L & L Session 3: "Avoiding Power Struggles" Thurs 3/31 930am FMSA

Hello FMSA Love & Logic Parents ~
See below for this Thursday's session overview. *** Please Note that class is this THURSDAY instead of Wednesday. *** It's the only session during this series which is on a Thursday. The two remaining are on Weds mornings ~ Weds April 6th, skip a week then the last session is Weds April 20th. Please bring your workbooks so we can do some exercises during class. At the bottom of this email, I've included some positive feedback I received from a mom who took my L & L course last spring and quickly employed several of the parenting strategies particularly sharing control through choices and the "Uh Oh song".

This week our session will teach:
* Time-tested tips for ending bedtime battles
* How to get control by sharing it
* What to do with little ones who want to sleep with you
* Why relationship and nurturing is the foundation of responsibility

» The Science of Control «
The more we share, the more we have. The less control we share, the less we have.

We can either share control on our terms or force our kids to take it on their terms.

~ Each choice we give our kids is like a little "deposit" into their subconscious "savings account of control." Even when choices seem small and a bit silly, they can be very powerful. This is because choices create situations requiring children to THINK.

Here are some examples of possible choices:
"Do you want to go potty now or when the timer goes off?" "Ok, do you me to set the timer for 2 mins or 4 mins?"
"Do you want to wear your coat or carry it?"
"Do you want to leave the playground now or in five minutes?"
"Are you going to brush your teeth in your bathroom or mommy's bathroom?"
"Would you rather play nicely next to me while I am on the phone or be noisy in your room?"
"Would you rather clean your room this morning or this afternoon?"
"Do you want to stay in your own chair while you eat or sit on mommy's lap?" (This has worked well when we are out to eat)

EXERCISE: Think about some current power struggles you're experiencing with your child....ie: won't go nite nite / stay in bed, refusing to eat, won't get dressed, won't get in car / car seat, continually whining, etc.

Then during class we can prepare a list of possible choices you can give your child(ren)....and you can go home to immediately start experimenting!!
* See how many choices you can give during the day *

As Jim & Charles Fay write in their book 'Love and Logic' Magic for Early Childhood ~ Practical Parenting from birth to 6 yrs old:
"Wouldn't it be great if your children could learn, early on, that every choice they make affects the quality of their lives?
A combination of Love and Logic can create this learning now, while they are still very young."

----*----*----*-----*----*-----*------*-----*--
Andrea,
I have to say that I am amazed at the success that I have had this week.  It was difficult for me to phrase things when upset in an empathetic way (even though I was trying real hard!).  The Uh Oh song just didn't feel much different than the time-outs that I had been doing with Nick, my 4 1/2 year old. However, giving him choices on EVERYTHING has completely changed the dynamic in our house!!  He doesn't seem to be acting out just to 'buck the system' anymore.  Instead of telling him "no" or that he needs to do such and such now or else, blah, blah, blah; we give him two acceptable choices and completely let him decide.  We literally only had to put him in his room once in the past week (huge improvement for us) and it was for whining, not acting out.  But, even more exciting then that, my husband was going to REI on Saturday and asked Nick if he would like to go with.  Nick said no, that he would rather stay home with Mom.  That was literally the first time that has EVER happened.  It made the baby book!! 

With that said, the Uh Oh song is working well for Sean, my 22 month old, who is starting to explore his boundaries.  I have found that it is also helping him learn to self soothe.  Because he is so much calmer and easier than Nick, I have always gone to him when he cries because it doesn't happen often.  Now that we are taking things like MATCHES that he found away from him, he is having difficulty calming himself down.  The singing plus time alone in his crib is really helping.  I feel like I am getting ahead of any issues with him. So, it has been a really good parenting week!!  I am hoping that the effects won't 'wear off' and I will have more positive stories next week at class.  Thanks for all tips!! 

Screamfree Parenting Session 2

Section 2: Keeping Your Cool Means Creating Space ~

This section proceeds from a position of calming authority to creating and maintaining an environment that facilitates the growth of our children. In other words, it is time to look at our boundaries.

Boundaries are not limits, but rather self-definition.

Principle 4
BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND, BUT LET GO OF THE FINAL RESULTS

What characteristics would you most like your kids to exhibit as adults?

> The ultimate goal of parenting is to launch our kids into adulthood as self-directed, decisive, and responsible people <

"We inevitably doom our children to failure and frustration when we try to set their goals for them."
-- Dr. Jess Lair

Principle 5
KIDS NEED THEIR ROOM

What kids need most are parents who don't need them.

> Giving our children space is about appreciating that they have a life of their own <

3 words to improve your relationship: "Tell me more"

Principle 6
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE; PRACTICE JUDO PARENTING

Power struggles only occur when both parties feel threatened.

> Can't have a strong-willed child unless strong-willed parent <

Our goal is not to stifle our child's emotions, but rather steer them toward productive expression.

* So instead of rescuing or fixing problems for our kids, we let them struggle, let them have their emotions, their moods, etc. Just be an observer and empathize:
"Wow, that stinks" or "I know....that sounds tough" or "That's a bummer"
Then ask: "So what are you going to do about it?"

Principle 7
YOU ARE NOT A PROPHET, AND NEITHER IS GRANDMA

By exercising restraint over our own freedom, we grant our children the freedom to become themselves.

> This section is about the responsibility of our language <

* The labels we place on our kids, even if those labels at first seem positive, stick harder and last longer that we can possibly imagine. Labels tend to define the child, preventing even the capability to conceptualize change.*

What label did you find placed upon you by family or friends?
"Good girl"; "Our smart one"; "The good athlete" ; "Troublemaker"

How did that label affect the way you felt about yourself?

We get into trouble anytime we assume we know our children.
They cannot be known as constantly evolving / changing.

So instead of labeling a child, try describing the behavior. This would communicate what you're seeing in the child, but still FREE the child to Change.
"I see you working really hard on your puzzle."
"I notice you cleaning up after yourself today without my reminding you."
"I noticed this week that you asked ahead of time for project supplies instead of waiting until the night before."
"Sean sometimes whines at bedtime."

Notice above that I purposely avoided using any limiting words such as "always," "never," "all the time," "constantly." Some words like these could be removed from our vocabulary to greatly benefit our relationships. Hmm, so true...just used always and never in a conversation on Saturday and both were confining and not motivating to the recipient:( Glad I am writing these session overviews so I am reminded to utilize these concepts.

Screamfree Parenting Session 1

Hello Screamfree Class!
Looking forward to seeing you all tomorrow, Tues March 15th @ 11am. I try to send out a descriptive outline of the topics to be taught and discussed prior to each parenting class. My goal is to get you engaged and your wheels turning about what you want to get from the session!

We will be watching DVD 1: Becoming the "Cool" Parent Your Kids Really Need. We will be covering the following principles in our first session:

PRINCIPLE 1
Parenting is Not About Kids, It's About Parents:
"The greatest thing we can do for our kids is learn to Focus on ourselves."
* As Hal says in the book, the focus is on you because you are the only one you can ultimately control. We are not responsible for our kids, we are responsible to them. You can share with your child what you are responsible for. For example, "I am responsible for balancing my work/family life, for loving your father, for my conduct, for my self-care."

PRINCIPLE 2
Growing Up is hard to Do, Especially for Parents:
"Part of being a grown-up is the willingness to endure discomfort now for sake of a payoff later."
* Please think about the hardest part of parenting and how our emotional reactivity plays into it. Hal describes the choices inherent in emotional reactivity as either giving in or flipping out. Rather than focusing on ourselves, we focus instead on our anxiety and cause the outcome that we most fear -- and that's the price of reactivity. *

PRINCIPLE 3
IF You're Not in Control, You Cannot Be in Charge:
"To be 'under control' means taking sole responsibility for our own emotions, responses, and decisions."
* Why should your children respect you? What have you done that is respectful? *
* Please think about examples of people who seem to retain control of their own remotes as calm and inspiring leaders. *


"Maturity is the ability to think, speak and act your feelings within the bounds of dignity. The measure of your maturity is how spiritual you become during the midst of your frustrations."
--Samuel Ullman


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