Friday, February 24, 2012

Toddlers With Angry Parents May Have More Temper Tantrums

Key finding of the study : "Parents' ability to regulate themselves and to remain firm, confident and not overreact is a key way they can help their children to modify their behavior," Lipscomb said in a university news release. "You set the example as a parent in your own emotions and reactions."


http://consumer.healthday.com/Article.asp?AID=661980
WEDNESDAY, Feb. 22 (HealthDay News) -- Toddlers are more likely to become easily upset and act out if their parents anger quickly and overreact to their children's behavior, according to a new study involving adopted youngsters.
Researchers looked at the behavior of adopted children aged 9 months, 18 months and 27 months and their adoptive parents in 361 families in 10 states. Researchers also analyzed genetic data from the children and their birth parents.
The study found that adoptive parents who had a tendency to overreact were quick to anger when toddlers made mistakes or tested age-appropriate limits. The children of these parents acted out or had more temper tantrums than normal for their age.
Children who had the greatest increases in these types of negative emotions as they grew from infants to toddlers (from 9 months to 27 months of age) also had the highest levels of problem behaviors at 24 months. This suggests that negative emotions may have their own development process that impacts children's later behaviors, according to lead author Shannon Lipscomb, an assistant professor of human development and family sciences at Oregon State University, and her colleagues.
They also found that genetics plays a role, particularly in children who inherited a genetic risk of negative emotionality from their birth mothers but were raised in a low-stress or less reactive family environment.
The findings, published in the latest issue of the journal Development and Psychopathology, help improve understanding of the complex link between genetics and home environment, according to the researchers.
"Parents' ability to regulate themselves and to remain firm, confident and not overreact is a key way they can help their children to modify their behavior," Lipscomb said in a university news release. "You set the example as a parent in your own emotions and reactions."
More information
The Nemours Foundation has more about toddler growth and development.
-- Robert Preidt
SOURCE: Oregon State University, news release, Feb. 20, 2012andre

20 Ways to “Reset” When the Kids Are Having a Hard Day OR "Reset" ourselves

20 Ways to “Reset” When the Kids Are Having a Hard Day
by Lisa on February 22, 2012
http://thepenningtonpoint.com/2012/02/20-ways-to-reset-when-the-kids-are-having-a-hard-day/

A few days ago (maybe more than a few, I lose track of time easily) I got a great question from Andrea. She asked, “Sometimes we get in a funk. We can run a stretch of days with everyone on edge and “bickery”. It often starts with illness or a stretch of cold rainy days (no outside play), but somehow these sweet children become rather unpleasant to spend the days with….Do you have a secret “reset” button, or advice on how to get “back on track”??”

I love this question. You are SO right Andrea. There are often days or even just an hour when everyone seems to be a little grouchy.

These are some thing I do when that happens:

1. Deep breath. I call out, “Deep breath!” Then everyone stands up and we all take long, slow breaths while we raise our hands over our heads. Then we let the air out slowly while we lower our arms. The whole movement is very slow and purposeful. We might do that a few times, then go back to our regular day.

2. Jumping jacks. We all stop what we are doing and do 20 jumping jacks. This is especially good when they seem to have extra energy and need to use it. It’s hilarious to see the littler ones trying to coordinate their arms and legs.

3. The color game. If its not raining I take a stack of construction paper (each piece a different color), some tape and some tacks (I used to leave these in a drawer by the front door) and take it all outside. I tack or tape a whole piece of the paper to trees, the car, a bush, the front door….making sure they are spread out but I can see all of the colors from my chair (that I have set in the middle of it all). Then I sit in the chair and gather all of the kids around me and I say, “Ready……RED!” Then they have to find the red paper and run to it. Once they are all there I call out another color and we keep doing it until they are exhausted. Sometimes I modify the game by calling a kid’s name with a color. You can let the older ones go faster with this version.

4. Play stations in the kitchen. Fill the sink half full with water & utensils, fill a 9×13 pan with rice, another with straws, a plastic bowl with beans. Set it all on the kitchen counter (table, whatever) and set the timer for 5 minutes. They play at each station for only 5 minutes then they switch. You stay in the kitchen with them the whole time giving attention to their made up games. In 20 minutes it’s over.

5. Emergency toys. I keep toys tucked high up in a closet for just such an occasion. Pull them out of the closet and set the timer for 30 minutes. Once the timer goes off….the toys get put away for at least a month. That’s the only way they will work the next time.

6. Play a game. We’ll all sit and play something unbelievably dull, like Go Fish or a simple board game. Sometimes all they need is for you to stop and give them your full attention for 15 minutes.

7. Music. Music is a-MAZing for this kind of problem. If I don’t have the time to play games or make pans of rice in the kitchen, I will turn on some fun kid music and we’ll all dance around to one song. Mommy dances too (and Daddy if he’s home). One song can reset everyone’s attitude.

8. Tear paper. Sometimes we all just need to do something wild and completely unexpected. So I will give each child 3 pieces of construction paper and we’ll stand in a circle and when I say, “GO!” we all start tearing up our paper and throwing it on the floor. We jump around and scream and laugh and giggle and fall down and throw the paper around for about 5 minutes. Then I say, “STOP!” and we have to clean it up as quickly and silly as we can.

9. Lie on the grass. Often, when it’s not too wet, cold, hot….we go outside and lie on the grass. Everyone takes turns telling what they see in the clouds or, if there’s no cloud, I will ask them a question and we take turns answering. Sometimes we will do it on the trampoline instead of the grass.

10. Drink something green. I put green food coloring in either lemonade or water. I gather everyone in the kitchen and give everyone a glass of “Green Goop” and we all drink it at the same time. We drink it as fast as we can and be silly. If it’s been a really rough day, burping is a must.

11. Crawling. I have everyone put shoes on their hands and crawl around until I say stop. Then they have to freeze like a statue until I say go. Sometimes I’ll call out pieces of furniture for them to crawl to. We’ll do this for about 15 minutes then stop and put the shoes away.

12. Baths. These are not get-clean baths. These are play-baths. 15 minutes in the tub with a few toys and no washing hair. Just time to stop everything and play in the water.

13. Read a book. If everyone is tired I will grab a book and read it aloud in an unusual way…with an accent, like a monster, while acting it out, hanging upside down off of the couch….something that makes it different.

14. Hold hands. Sometimes everyone just needs Mom for a few minutes. So we’ll hold hands and walk around, outside if possible but inside works too. I’ll say something like, “Tell me what you liked about today,” and we’ll walk and talk and touch for a few minutes.

15. Quizzes. I’ll line them up in front of me and zing them with questions. They have to answer really quickly and if they take too long I say, “Zing!” and they have to fall down and get back up again. (If you’re not feeling creative, just think of a favorite book or movie and ask them questions about that, “What’s the name of the character that_____,” “Who had the last line in the movie?” “What color was ____ wearing when she was running?”, etc.) This is especially good for nursing moms that need to sit for a few minutes and the older kids are needing attention.

16. Color their name. I write their name in really big, puffy letters and they get 3 Crayons to color it in. No sharing, no trading…just 3 colors…GO!

17. Have a snack. You sit with them and talk for just a few minutes. Don’t set them down and walk off. Just sit there for a few minutes and toast your glasses together and say, “To a better day!” and eat a little something.

18. The Whisper Game. I say, “Let’s plat the Whisper Game!” and set the timer for 5-10 minutes. That whole time you sit and talk but everyone has to whisper. Do what you can to make it silly and animated, like lean to their ears or tiptoe around the room while you’re whispering.

19. Animals. I sit on the couch and and gather them around, with an arm length between them. Then I call out animals and they have to act like that animal until I change the animal. I might switch it up by calling out a specific child’s name with an animal.

20. Slow down. This one is good to do after any of the other activities. We all move and talk in slow motion. I will walk around and they follow me and do what I do….all in slow motion. Then I give them turns being the leader. This is fun, but it takes the energy back down and you’re ready to go back to normal.

As you can see, the main focus of these activities is to stop what you are doing, stop rushing, stop being frustrated and spend a few minutes together doing something completely different. It is essential that Mom or Dad participate. That’s what really pushes the reset button.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Routine Charts from Positive Discipline

Hi Love and Logic Parents!
Here are more details on the reasoning behind routine charts, how to create and how to use. I obviously believe in, use and teach Love and Logic and ScreamFree Parenting, but there are several great parenting philosophies out there such as Positive Discipline, Connection Parenting, and The Nutured Heart Approach. I will use whatever makes sense to me and works:) To me, the more resources and tools, the better for all of us!

In a nutshell, as Jane Nelson writes: "Let the routine chart be the boss. Instead of telling your child what to do, ask her, "What is next on your routine chart?" Remember that the goal is to help children feel capable and encouraged. A nice fringe benefit is that you will be able to stop nagging and will experience more peaceful bedtimes and mornings."

Happy routine chart making! Yes, another thing on our never-ending to do list. Will someone make a routine chart for me?! Sigh ~

Andrea L Gooldy, M.S. Parent Educator 404.932.9393

From: Positive Discipline <noreply@blogger.com>
Sender: noreply+feedproxy@google.com
Date: Mon, 06 Feb 2012 21:23:55 +0000
To: <Andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>
Subject: Positive Discipline with Dr. Jane Nelsen

Positive Discipline with Dr. Jane Nelsen


Routines

Posted: 05 Feb 2012 02:58 PM PST

Recently I was asked why children need routine charts when adults don't need them. I pointed out that many adults create lists to help them keep track of what they want to do during the day, week, or month—and feel such a sense of accomplishment when they get to cross things off their lists. Many create goals and write them down to increase the effectiveness of their resolve. Others carry day planners to keep track of their appointments (and lists and goals).

Creating routine charts is great training for children to learn time and life management skills. Parents help their children by guiding them in the creation of their routine charts instead of creating charts for them. Parents add to the effectiveness of routine charts when they allow their children to experience the satisfaction of following their charts because it feels good (a sense of accomplishment) instead of giving them stickers and rewards—which takes away from their inner sense of accomplishment.

Some parents forget that their most important task is to make their job obsolete. Their job is to help their children be self-sufficient instead of dependent. Teaching children to create routine charts is a great step toward that end. Does this mean that routine charts are magical and will prevent all future resistance and challenges from children? No. Testing their power is part of their individuation process.  However, working "with" children to help them learn skills will make your job obsolete much quicker and more effective than thinking it is your job to be in charge of everything they do. Guiding your children to create routine charts is just one of the many ways you can empower your children to feel and be competent and capable.

CREATING ROUTINE CHARTS



The more children do for themselves, the more capable and encouraged they feel. One of the best ways to avoid bedtime hassles and morning hassles is to get children involved in creating routine charts and then letting them follow their charts instead of telling them what to do.

Start by having your child make a list of all the things she needs to do before going to bed. The list might include, pick up toys, snack, bath, pajamas, brush teeth, choose clothes for the next morning, bedtime story, hugs. Copy (or when children are old enough let them copy) all the items on a chart. Children love it when you take pictures of them doing each task so they can paste the picture after each item. Then hang the chart where she can see it.

Let the routine chart be the boss. Instead of telling your child what to do, ask her, "What is next on your routine chart?" Often, you don't have to ask. She will tell you. Choosing clothes the night before is one task that eliminates some morning hassles when children follow their morning routine (for which you may have another chart). If they have laid out what they want to wear the night before, they don't get upset trying to find something the last minute. Other bedtime routine tasks that make mornings routines go more smoothly is for children to make their school lunch the night before.

Remember that the goal is to help children feel capable and encouraged. A nice fringe benefit is that you will be able to stop nagging and will experience more peaceful bedtimes and mornings.

Click Here to read a Routine Chart success story.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

ScreamFree Parenting - Parenting that Creates Calm Connections in your Family:

After watching this 27 min introduction, hopefully you've discovered that ScreamFree Parenting is truly a "paradigm shift in parenting". Are you ready to revolutionize all your relationships with this new vision for change?

http://www.screamfree.com/site/PageServer?pagename=video_assets&v=6#.T0Uuk5IdpeE.email

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ScreamFree Parenting - Parenting that Creates Calm Connections in your Family:

5 Truths of ScreamFree Parentingby Hal Runkel : 1 hour seminar


http://www.screamfree.com/site/PageServer?pagename=video_assets&v=7#.T0UdIsaOq2Y.email

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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Positive Discipline ~ SCHEDULE SPECIAL TIME FOR CONNECTION

Andrea L Gooldy, M.S. Parent Educator 404.932.9393

From: Positive Discipline <noreply@blogger.com>
Sender: noreply+feedproxy@google.com
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 2012 21:11:35 +0000
To: <Andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>
Subject: Positive Discipline with Dr. Jane Nelsen

Positive Discipline with Dr. Jane Nelsen


SCHEDULE SPECIAL TIME FOR CONNECTION

Posted: 13 Feb 2012 08:19 AM PST

An excerpt from the book Positive Discipline.

One of the most encouraging things parents can do for their children is to spend regular, scheduled special time with them. You may already spend lots of time with your children. However there is a difference between have to time, casual time, and scheduled special time.


Children under two require a lot of time and are not really old enough to comprehend special time. As long as they feel your enjoyment, scheduled special time is not necessary. Between the ages of two to six, children need at least ten minutes a day of special time that they can count on. Even more time is better, but you'll be surprised how magical it can be even if 10 minutes of special time is all you can manage in your busy schedule.

From six two twelve, children may not require special time every day (you be the judge), but they like to count on at least half an hour a week. The particular time and amount would be individual for each family. It could be cookies and milk while sharing after school, or an hour every Saturday. The important part is that children know exactly when they can count on time that has been set aside especially for them. Teenagers may not want to spend special time with you. At this age their friends are more important than family. Don't worry, the older they get, the more important family becomes. Meanwhile ask your teenager to humor you and spend 30 minutes a week with you because you need it. One idea would be to take them across town to a hamburger joint so their friends won't have to see them doing something so dorky as spending time with you. Do anything that helps you keep your sense of humor in tact so you don't take this stage personally.

There are several reasons why special time is so encouraging:

  1. Children feel a sense of connection when they can count on special time with you. They feel that they are important to you. This decreases their need to misbehavior as a mistaken way to find belonging and significance. 
  2. Scheduled special is a reminder to you about why you had children in the first place—to enjoy them. 
  3. When you are busy and your children want your attention, it is easier for them to accept that you don't have time when you say, "Honey, I can't right now, but I sure am looking forward to our special time at 4:30."
  4. Plan the special time with your children. Brainstorm a list of things you would like to do together during your special time. When first brainstorming your list, don't evaluate or eliminate. Later you can look at your list together and categorize. If some things cost too much money, put them on a list of things to save money for. If the list contains things that take longer than the 10 to 30 minutes you have scheduled for the special time, put these items on a list that can be put on a calendar for longer family fun times.

I often suggest that parents take the phone off the hook for special emphasis that this is special, uninterrupted time. However, one mother would leave the phone on the hook during her special time with her three-year-old daughter. If the phone would ring, she would answer and say, "I'm sorry I can't talk with you now. This is my special time with Lori." Lori would grin as she heard her mother tell other people how important it was to spend time with her.

Teachers may be surprised at how effective it can be to spend two or three minutes after school with a child and NOT talk about the child's problems. Instead they can ask questions such as, "What is your favorite thing to do for fun?" Then share what you like to do for fun. Students feel very special when a teacher also shares things that reveal who they are as a person. Many teachers have reported that simply spending a few minutes after school with a child for special time has helped the child feel encouraged enough to stop misbehaving, even though the misbehavior is not mentioned during this time.

Mrs. Petersen was concerned about a child in her room whose mistaken goal was power. Debbie often refused to do her work and openly displayed hostility with sneers and sullen looks. Mrs. Petersen asked Debbie to stay after school one day. Debbie stayed, looking as if she were ready for a battle. Mrs. Petersen did not mention any problem behavior; she instead asked Debbie if she would tell her about the most fun thing she had done the night before. Debbie would not answer. Mrs. Petersen thought, "This isn't working," but continued "Well, I would like to tell you what I did for fun last night." She then went on to share something she had done with her family the night before. Debbie still refused to respond. Mrs. Petersen told Debbie she could leave, but she would love to hear from her anytime she felt like sharing what she liked to do for fun.

Mrs. Petersen felt discouraged, thinking the exchange had not been very helpful. However, the next day she noticed Debbie no longer had a chip on her shoulder and did not display any hostility. After school Debbie showed Mrs. Petersen a picture she had drawn of herself and a friend riding bikes. She explained this was the most fun thing she had done the night before. Mrs. Petersen then shared another fun thing she had done.

If you analyze it, you will understand why such a brief exchange can have such dramatic results. First, the child feels singled out for special attention. The child may reject this special attention at first because of his or her suspicion that it will probably be another session for blaming and lecturing. Second, the child experiences the unexpected when the teacher ignores behavior problems. Third, adults often show interest in having children share, but they don't demonstrate mutual respect by sharing themselves. A child may feel extra belonging and significance when you share something about yourself.

It is suggested that teachers spend a few minutes of special time with each student in their class during the year. Start with the children who seem the most discouraged, but keep track to make sure you don't miss anyone.

Many teachers complain that they don't have time for special time. It is true that teacher's are feeling so much pressure to help students pass academic tests. However, teachers who understand that encouragement is just as important (if not more) as academics find a few minutes while children are doing seat work or walking in line.

Parents can apply the concept of special time as part of the bedtime routine (although the bedtime routine should not replace daytime special time). When Mrs. Bruner tucks her children into bed at night, she asks them first to share the saddest thing that happened to them during the day and then the happiest thing. She then shares her saddest and happiest events.

At first her children went overboard on this opportunity to complain about sad things and would sometimes end up crying. She would patiently wait for them to calm down and then say, "I'm glad you can share your feelings with me. Tomorrow, when you don't feel so upset, we'll talk about it some more to see if we can figure out some solutions. Now tell me your happiest thing." If the child couldn't think of a happy thing, Mrs. Bruner would share her happy event. After the children got used to this routine, the sad events were reported in a matter of fact way, followed by ideas for solving or avoiding a similar problem in the future. The children soon enjoyed sharing their happy events more than their sad events.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Love and Logic Tip: You Can Do It!

Very powerful ~ I am inspired particularly by the following : "Experiencing setbacks doesn't mean failure. It simply means that the road to personal change is always under construction."


------Original Message------
From: Love and Logic Institute, Inc.
To: -AAndrea Gooldy
ReplyTo: Love and Logic Institute
Subject: You Can Do It!
Sent: Feb 8, 2012 12:41 PM

To receive email from Love and Logic Institute, Inc., add reply@loveandlogicnews.com to your safe sender list. View as Web Page Subscribe Send to a Friend Love and Logic Institute, Inc. Helping Raise Responsible Kids Since 1977™ You Can Do It! Weekly Tip from the Love and Logic® Experts Dear Andrea,   Do you ever feel discouraged because you're having a tough time remembering to use a Love and Logic skill? Does it make you feel any better to know that I experience the very same challenge?   Experiencing setbacks doesn't mean failure. It simply means that the road to personal change is always under construction. You can be successful…as long as you remember the following: Take it slow. The most successful people experiment with one skill at a time. Focus on the controllable. We're far more successful when we focus on our own behavior rather than on the behavior of other people. For example, we can't make our kids behave respectfully. We can control whether we say, "I'll be happy to do the extra things I do for you when I feel respected." Don't be surprised when others don't thank you for changing. When we change…even for the better…it typically leaves others a bit off balance. Their natural human tendency will be to get you back to your old way by complaining, arguing, or acting out. Don't let this scare you. They'll just need some time to get used to you and your new Love and Logic skills. Don't look back. Unsuccessful people focus on trying to stop doing what they've done in the past. Successful ones focus on doing what they want to do in the future. For example, instead of saying to yourself, "I'm not going to get angry anymore," say to yourself, "I'm going to say 'I make better decisions when I'm calm. We'll talk later.'" A great way to stay focused on the future is to listen repeatedly to Love and Logic audios. Our Love and Logic Speed-E-Solutions a re a very economical way to start. You only fail if you give up. One of the most important things you can model for your kids is perseverance.   I wish you the best!   Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.   Dr. Charles Fay     ©2012 Love and Logic Institute, Inc. All copyright infringement laws apply. Permission granted for forwarding and/or for a single photocopy or electronic reproduction of one email tip only. Please do not alter or modify. For more information, call the Love and Logic Institute, Inc. at 800-338-4065.         For helpful tips, special promotions, and event announcements, follow Love and Logic® on Twitter and become a fan on Facebook.   If we have misspelled your name, or if this isn't you, please click here to correct.   Teachers and Parents Don't miss Jim Fay in Denver, CO on Saturday, 2/25 or in Elkhorn, NE on Tuesday, 2/28 Register online or call 800-338-4065 for more information.     Exclusive Member Discount   Love and Logic Speed-E Solutions® This week save 20% off any Speed-E Solution audio download   Discount price to Insider Club members only: $3.95 Regular Price $4.95 To shop our online store click on the link above, then "Add to Cart" and enter the coupon code "020812"     2012 Summer Conference Love and Logic Skills: For Home, for School, for Life! More Responsible, Higher Achieving Kids Do you like to have fun while learning new skills? If so, don't miss your opportunity this year to join us in Denver for our 27th Annual Summer conference! June 14-16, 2012    
Andrea L Gooldy, M.S. Parent Educator 404.932.9393

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Positive Feedback

"L&L has changed my life! Truly the greatest gift I could ever receive. There are no words to express my gratitude. My 4 year old daughter has NEVER been so affectionate, loving, and cooperative."

From a single mom following session 3 of Love and Logic Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun!


Andrea L Gooldy, M.S. Parent Educator 404.932.9393

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Basics of the Love and Logic Approach

------Original Message------
From: Love and Logic Institute, Inc.
To: -AAndrea Gooldy
ReplyTo: Love and Logic Institute
Subject: The Basics of the Love and Logic Approach
Sent: Feb 1, 2012 12:39 PM

To receive email from Love and Logic Institute, Inc., add reply@loveandlogicnews.com to your safe sender list. View as Web Page Subscribe Send to a Friend Love and Logic Institute, Inc. Helping Raise Responsible Kids Since 1977™ The Basics of the Love and Logic Approach Weekly Tip from the Love and Logic® Experts Dear Andrea,   When you tell people you use Love and Logic techniques in your home or classroom, do they really know what "Love and Logic" means?   Do some think it is a cult you joined?   Do some say that "Love AND Logic" is an oxymoron?   Do you sometimes find it difficult to explain?   With a flexible menu of skills in our approach, and common sense at work, adults using Love and Logic skills may come across quite differently at times. Nevertheless, the "Love and Logic" approach should always look like the following: A loving attitude toward the young person. A key principle of the Love and Logic approach is that we preserve the dignity - of the child AND the adult. Does yelling and threatening preserve kids' dignity? How about ours? Shared thinking and control. Adults using Love and Logic techniques resist the urge to come up with all the answers and solve all the problems. Instead, they give kids the gift of thinking about and solving problems. They ask lots of questions and give lots of choices so kids stay in on the action. Empathy before consequences and bad news. We are sad for kids and we hurt for them when they struggle. Our sadness (instead of our anger and frustration) helps them own problems and learn from the consequences. None of this works without empathy. Relationships are paramount. If we are not preserving or enhancing relationships, we are not really using Love and Logic techniques. Take heart! This is a process, not an instant transformation. Many people find that listening repeatedly to our audio, Four Steps to Responsibility, helps them remember to consistently apply these very important basics of the Love and Logic approach.   Thanks for reading. Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.   Jedd Hafer     ©2012 Love and Logic Institute, Inc. All copyright infringement laws apply. Permission granted for forwarding and/or for a single photocopy or electronic reproduction of one email tip only. Please do not alter or modify. For more information, call the Love and Logic Institute, Inc. at 800-338-4065.         For helpful tips, special promotions, and event announcements, follow Love and Logic® on Twitter and become a fan on Facebook.   If we have misspelled your name, or if this isn't you, please click here to correct.   Teachers and Parents Don't miss Dr. Charles Fay in Redding, CA on Saturday, 2/4 or in Baltimore, MD on Tuesday, 2/7. Register online or call 800-338-4065 for more information.     Exclusive Member Discount   Four Steps to Responsibility This week save 25%   Discount price to Insider Club members only: $10.46 Regular Price $13.95   To shop our online store click on the link above, then "Add to Cart" and enter the coupon code "020212"     2012 Summer Conference Love and Logic: For Home, for School, for Life!
Andrea L Gooldy, M.S. Parent Educator 404.932.9393