Monday, January 28, 2013

What is ScreamFree Parenting?

What is ScreamFree Parenting?
Friday, November 13, 2009
By: Hal Runkel, LMFT

Find out what this strange philosophy is and see if it can really work for you.

When's the last time you saw a parenting book that asked parents to defocus on their kids?

-Rabbi and family therapist Edwin H. Friedman

The greatest thing we can do for our kids is learn to focus on ourselves. That opening line is meant to come across as contrary, even heretical. "Now, it's all about the kids," is what most of us recite as soon as we bring offspring into the world. And we keep receiving countless bits of counsel urging us to continue taking all focus off ourselves and placing it squarely on our kids. After all, what they need is our constant attention, affection, and sacrifice so they'll think the right way, feel the right way, and behave the right way. Right?

Wrong. Such child-centered advice is simply a lie. Mothers have especially been sold this lie, and that's why we see so many moms just give up pursuit of any sort of sexy individuality; their new primary identity is Mother. So the denim overalls replace the little black dress, and the Keds knock out the stilettos. This is not to mention the bob haircut. But it's not just moms. Now dads like me are bombarded with messages to make up for our fathers' relative absence by being supremely present, even to the neglect of ourselves, our marriages, and our careers. And before you know it, the stickers with our kids' names get emblazoned all over our minivans, shouting to the whole world who really owns the van—and the rest of our lives.

But here's the truth: we cannot orbit our lives around our children without giving them the impression that the world revolves around them. And then we have the nerve to call them self-centered, disrespectful, and unappreciative! When we're the ones that helped create them that way! The advice we followed is actually creating the problems we were hoping to avoid!

That's why the greatest thing we can do is focus on ourselves, because we're the only ones we can control. We cannot control our kids, that's for sure—that's why we're reading parenting books in the first place! But every parenting expert we've read before has just given us more tools ("techniques") to help us do just that. But the more we've tried to control our kids (with new charts, new rewards, new punishments), the more out of control they've become.

That's because nobody likes to be controlled. And it's because our kids are not the ones out of control. We parents are out of our own control, placing ourselves in the backwards position of needing our children to behave for our benefit, because, after all, they now represent our whole world.

No wonder we end up screaming. Or shutting down. Or simply giving up and caving in.

ScreamFree Parenting is not just about lowering our voice. It's about learning to calm all of these emotional reactions, learning to calmly focus on our own behavior more than our kids'— for their benefit. This is because our biggest enemy as parents is not TV or the Internet, not bad influences at school, not even drugs or alcohol. Our biggest enemy as parents is our own emotional reactivity, because when we "lose it," we're actually losing our adulthood. And then we wonder how our kids have so little respect for us.

ScreamFree Parenting offers a revolutionary new option—by inviting parents to focus on themselves, grow themselves up, and calm themselves down. Following these ScreamFree principles leads parents of all ages (with kids of all ages) to create and enjoy the family relationships they've always craved.

ScreamFree Parenting Curriculum and Principles

ScreamFree Parenting: Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool

This breakthrough parenting workshop has already inspired parents in churches and organizations all across the country to create revolutionary changes in their homes. The ScreamFree way equips parents to operate from their highest principles while quieting their deepest fears. This lively, interactive workshop goes in-depth into all 12 principles of ScreamFree Parenting and allows each participant to begin to internalize the ScreamFree message and start to put it into practice in their lives. By becoming a ScreamFree Parent, you learn to let go of the need to be the perfect parent with the perfect techniques to raising perfect kids. "The truth is that you don't have to know all the right answers at all the right times in order to be the parent you've always wanted to be; you just have to learn to calm down," says Hal Runkel, parenting expert, family therapist and author of ScreamFree Parenting and ScreamFree Marriage.
In this 5 hour DVD seminar, with a personal workbook, you will learn how will to:
• Eliminate power struggles
• Enjoy your children once again
• Act with confidence, feel more capable
• Let the consequences do the screaming
• Raise your kids to be responsible, respectful, and caring adults
 
The Principles of ScreamFree Parenting
1 - Parenting is Not about the Kids, It's About Parents
2 - Growing Up is Hard to Do, Especially for Grown-Ups
3 - If You're Not Under Control, Then You Cannot Be in Charge
4 - Begin With the End in Mind, but Let Go of the Final Results
5 - Kids Need Their Room
6 - Resistance is Futile; Practice Judo Parenting
7 - You Are Not a Prophet (and Neither is Grandma)
8 - Parents Set the Table by Setting the Tone (and Vice Versa)
9 - Let the Consequences Do the Screaming
10 - Empty Threats Are Really Broken Promises
11 - Put on Your Oxygen Mask First
12 - Revolutionary Relationships
 
*** Relationship change involves making conscious choices to take Hold of our own emotional responses, and let go of our child's. ***
 
 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Empathy: Greatest Gift We Can Give

Empathy ~ great way to begin 2013!!

------Original Message------
From: Love and Logic Institute, Inc.
To: -AAndrea Gooldy
ReplyTo: Love and Logic Institute, Inc.
Subject: Empathy: Greatest Gift We Can Give
Sent: Jan 2, 2013 2:02 PM


You hold the door for your spouse, and your children are watching.
 
A child at the grocery store drops his toy, and his mother has her hands full, so you bend to pick it up and offer it to the child. And your children are watching.
 
It's a snowy morning, and your older neighbor is struggling to clear the driveway to get to work. So you and your son grab shovels and help her.
 
Your daughter is waiting at the bus stop with her friends. When the bus arrives, the kids start to climb aboard, but one girl drops her backpack and books spill out onto the ground. Although she was almost ready to get on the bus, your daughter goes back to help her friend. They pick up the books and laugh, and climb aboard the bus.
 
Watching children develop empathy for others is such a delight. Empathy opens the door to understanding others, appreciating differences, noticing, and caring. It is the antithesis of self-serving, whiny, and narcissistic behaviors. Daniel Goleman calls empathy "the foundation of all emotional intelligence."
 
Empathy is noticing how another person is feeling, and for a moment standing in his or her shoes. It requires a calm and caring state of mind, and is a step that precedes service to others. In our busy lives, it is sometimes difficult to let go of our own pressing worries and consider the perspective of another.
 
Helping our children develop the capacity for empathy is one of the great gifts we can offer them. In Stand in My Shoes: Kids Learning About Empathy, children can learn directly how to use empathy in their lives.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.
 
Bob Sornson
 


 
Teachers and Parents
Don't miss Jim Fay in
Seattle, WA on Tuesday, 1/15
See Charles Fay in
Oklahoma City, OK on Thursday, 1/17.
Graduate-level credit and CEUs are available.
Register online or call

Positive Discipline ~ Curiosity Questions

Positive Discipline K,
I know you like these;) You read and put to use as soon as you can. Kudos to you! And so good for your children. They are lucky!
A



From: Positive Discipline <noreply@blogger.com>
Sender: noreply+feedproxy@google.com
Date: Sat, 22 Dec 2012 21:08:24 +0000
To: <Andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>
Subject: Positive Discipline with Dr. Jane Nelsen

Positive Discipline with Dr. Jane Nelsen


CURIOSITY QUESTIONS

Posted: 22 Dec 2012 11:49 AM PST

Helping children explore the consequences of their choices is much different from imposing consequences on them. Exploring invites the participation of children to think for themselves and figure things out for themselves, and to decide what is important to them and to decide what they want. The end result is focusing on solutions to the problem instead of consequences.

Imposing consequences often invites rebellion and defensive thinking instead of explorative thinking. The key to helping children explore is to stop telling and to start asking curiosity questions.

Too often adults tell children what happened, what caused it to happen, how the child should feel about it, what the child should learn from it, and what the child should do about it. It is much more respectful, encouraging when we ask what happened, what the child thinks caused it, how the child feels about it, what the child has learned, what ideas the child has to solve the problem, or how the child can use what she has learned in the future. This is the true meaning of education, which comes from the Latin word educare', which means to draw forth. Too often adult try to stuff in instead of draw forth, and then wonder why children don't learn.


 Watch this video for examples of Asking vs Telling.

Typical curiosity questions:


  • What were you trying to accomplish?
  • How do you feel about what happened?

  • What did you learn from this?
  • 
How can you use what you learned in the future?
  • What ideas do you have for solutions now?


I call these typical curiosity questions because it is important not to have a script. The point is to get into the child's world. You'll notice that "Why?" isn't one of the suggested questions. The reason is that "Why?" usually sounds accusatory and invites defensiveness. This isn't always the case. All of the questions can be asked in an accusatory tone of voice. "Why?" works when children feel that you are truly interested in their point of view.

The following guidelines will help when using curiosity questions:

  1. Don't have an agenda. You aren't getting into the child's world if you have an agenda about how the child should answer these questions. That is why they are called curiosity questions.
  2. Don't ask questions if either of you are upset. Wait until you are both feeling calm.
  3. Ask curiosity questions from your heart. Use your wisdom to show you how to get into the child's world and show empathy and acceptance.


One of my favorite examples is the time my daughter shared with me her intention to get drunk at a party. I gulped and said, "Tell me more. Why are you thinking of doing that." She said, "Lots of kids do it and it looks like they are having fun." I stifled my temptation to lecture and asked, "What do your friends say about you now that you don't drink." She thought about this and said, "They are always telling me how much they admire me and how proud they are of me." I continued," What do you think they'll think of say after you get drunk?" Again, I could watch her think before she said, "I'll bet they'll be disappointed." I followed with, "How do you think you'll feel about yourself." I could tell this question made her think a little deeper. She paused a little longer before saying. "I'll probably feel like a loser." This was soon followed by, "I don't think I will."

If I hadn't known about curiosity questions and the value of helping her explore the consequences of her choices, I would have been tempted to impose a punitive consequence—such as grounding her. Chances are that this would have inspired her to get sneaky instead of trusting that she could discuss things with me. The biggest loss would have been that she would not have had the opportunity to explore for herself the consequences of her choices and what she really wants in her life.

Parents and teachers have an ingrained habit of telling instead of asking. I jokingly challenge them just to notice how often they "tell" for two weeks, and to put a quarter in a jar every time they do. At the end of two weeks they will have enough money for the vacation of their dreams.

The suggested curiosity questions mentioned about are what I call "Conversational Curiosity questions' because you are inviting a conversation. Sometimes curiosity questions can be very simple. I call the following examples "Motivational Curiosity Questions.") Instead of telling a child, "Don't forget your coat," ask, "What do you need if you don't want to be cold?" Instead of, "Brush your teeth," ask, "What do you need to do so you'll have clean teeth?" Instead of, "Go to bed," ask, "What was our agreement about bedtime?" As you think about the difference between "telling" and "asking," which do you think is more empowering to children? Which invites them to think and feel more cooperative?"
When the solutions come from the children, or are brainstormed together and the child chooses what will be most helpful, they learn that they can make a valuable contribution when using respectful decision-making skills. Children learn that mistakes aren't horrible if you don't beat yourself up about them and if you look at mistakes as ways to learn.

Parents and teachers who are just beginning to use positive discipline methods should work on only one thing at a time and remember to have the courage to be imperfect. To end the discipline war, (peace in the world can start with peace in homes and schools) it is imperative to stay out of power struggles and create an atmosphere where the long term effects for both children and adults are mutual respect, accountability, a sense of capability, resourcefulness and problem-solving skills. It is important to see mistakes as opportunities—to learn. Positive Discipline methods, including positive time-out, focusing on solutions, and asking curiosity questions help children feel capable and teaches them valuable social and life skills. A sense of belonging, significance, connection and cooperation are the long-term effects.