Sunday, April 28, 2013

Weekly tip - When to apologize and when to show empathy?


From: Tali Peleg <talipeleg2@gmail.com>
Date: Sun, 28 Apr 2013 09:40:41 -0400
To: <Andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>
Subject: Weekly tip - When to apologize and when to show empathy?

There are parents that believe that apologizing to their children reflects weakness or damages parental authority.

In reality, it is an important example to the children, so they know how to apologize when they hurt someone.

When we speak in a hurtful manor to our children, it's important to apologize:

* I apologize I yelled at you over the phone. I had a very stressful day and shouldn't have taken it out on you.

* I apologize for claiming you lied. I should have checked the facts first.

Apologizing strengthens that "imperfect parent" image, and it teaches that after we make a mistake, we need to ask for forgiveness. 

When a child experienced an unpleasant situation, we can show empathy:

* I'm sorry to hear they didn't let you play basketball with them during recess.

* I'm sorry to hear the teacher you liked so much left.

It's important that we show true empathy, and that the child understands and feels that we're "with" him. However, we must avoid pitying the child. 

 

Friday, April 26, 2013

Fwd: [ADHD] What's a fidget?

Interesting...for our kiddos, and for any of us, like myself, who struggle with being easily distracted, may need a fidget to focus better. Chewing gum helps my dad focus more ~ he often pops in a piece of gum right before he goes in to see a patient. I believe it also helps me!

Here's the definition of a 'fidget':   
"An intentional activity that you do while you're doing a primary   
task, that helps you to enhance your focus on that task."

Read on for more info ~
Happy Friday !

From: Dawna Drury <dawna.drury@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, 26 Apr 2013 10:15:27 -0400
To: Thomas Drury<thomasd85@gmail.com>; Thomas Drury<tdrury@silverpop.com>; <andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>; Lynn Abney<mla770@yahoo.com>; vossrenner@comcast.net<vossrenner@comcast.net>; Julie Waugh<julieamoswaugh@gmail.com>
Subject: Fwd: [ADHD] What's a fidget?

Love this MD :)

Sent from my iPhone

Begin forwarded message:

From: "Dr. Kenny Handelman" <support@theadhddoctor.com>
Date: April 26, 2013, 9:46:35 AM EDT
To: dawna.drury@gmail.com
Subject: [ADHD] What's a fidget?
Reply-To: "Dr. Kenny Handelman" <support@theadhddoctor.com>

Hi,

Fidgeting can help you to focus.   
But that's not how most people think about fidgeting.

When most people think about 'fidgeting' and ADHD, they often   
think about the hyperactive/impulsive symptoms of ADHD.

But when I'm referring to a 'fidget', I'm not talking about   
involuntary physical wiggling...   
At least not when we're talking about a 'fidget' as a strategy to   
help with focus.

By harnessing the 'power of the fidget', you can actually   
increase focus, whether you have ADHD or just ADD (the   
inattentive type).

Here's the definition of a 'fidget':   
"An intentional activity that you do while you're doing a primary   
task, that helps you to enhance your focus on that task."

Fidgets can be physical movements (like playing with a stress   
ball while listening to a lecture), and it can also be a sensory   
input (like listening to music on headphones while doing private   
desk work).

This is the reason that I have several 'fidget toys' in my   
office. When I have people with ADD/ADHD in my office, it's often   
helpful for them to fidget with a 'fidget toy' while we're   
talking. While their hands are busy, their minds can stay focused   
on what we're talking about.

Sometimes, newer parents to ADHD say to their kids or teens: "Put   
that down and listen to the doctor".   
Of course, these parents want their children to show respect, and   
the parents want to make sure that their child is benefiting from   
seeing the specialist.   
I then explain to the parents that this is a 'fidget', and it   
actually helps them to listen, so I'm OK with them playing with   
it while we talk.

There are many different types of fidgets which could help you or   
your loved one to do better with focus in all areas of life.

To learn more about this, you can talk to your doctor, or your   
Occupational Therapist (OT's with expertise in ADHD are often the   
best at helping people with these types of things).

We also just did coaching calls called "The Power of the Fidget"   
for the members of our 'Insiders' membership.   
When you join now, you'll get access to the PDF handout, the mp3   
recording (both immediately ready for download), and the   
transcript of the call is just with the transcriptionist and will   
be posted soon.

To join the Insiders, just click here to find out more, and then   
click the order button and complete the order form:   
http://theadhddoctor.net/ar/a.php/l/27/01fyps/6f12/99wcm8

Best,   
Dr. Kenny

p.s. many people forward questions to me by email, and I can't   
answer them all. That said, if you are an 'Insider', we have a   
monthly Q and A call for members, and I answer everyone's   
questions. Our Q and A call is next Tuesday night. So, when you   
join now, you can get your question answered by me in a few   
days...   
http://theadhddoctor.net/ar/a.php/l/27/01fyps/6f12/99wcm8
.

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Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Love and Logic Fw: He Likes the Trumpet, But How Do I Get Him To Practice

This reminded me of Anne and encouraging her to practice for her recital. Do you think oohing and ahhing over Anne's efforts would help ? I know, one more thing on your neverending to do list. I want to get better highlighting Christopher's efforts as well as Chris'. Big C is really Good at making a Big deal around lil C's efforts. Per Jim Fay: "My practicing didn't become work. It was a time to show off, and it became the best time of my day." Read on ~
From: "Love and Logic Institute, Inc." <reply@loveandlogicnews.com>
Date: Wed, 24 Apr 2013 12:50:23 -0400
To: Andrea Gooldy<andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>
ReplyTo: "Love and Logic Institute, Inc." <noreply@loveandlogic.com>
Subject: He Likes the Trumpet, But How Do I Get Him To Practice

Nick is excited about playing the trumpet. He dreams of entertaining others, being on stage, and receiving applause. But now he has to practice daily, alone in his room. Rats, he thinks, this isn't what I signed up for. Where's the fun in this? It doesn't take long for his enthusiasm to dwindle.

 

Before long, Nick loses interest and wants to quit his lessons. Mom asks, "What's the problem, Nick? You were so anxious to get started. I know that if you just keep practicing, you'll love playing in the band." When this doesn't work, she tries everything else she knows, with no results. He still wants to quit.

 

Mom came to me for help. "Jim, you are a musician. How did your mom keep you practicing when things got hard for you? I know that you're glad you didn't quit. I've heard you tell about how thankful you are to have your music."

 

I owe it to a wise mother who kept me excited about playing my horn. She didn't send me to my room to practice alone. I practiced in the kitchen while she prepared dinner so that she could often interrupt my playing, saying things like, "Stop, Jim. That's great! Play that again. I just love how you did that. That was so beautiful." She would ooh and aah about my efforts.

 

Even though she heard my mistakes, she seldom stopped me to correct them. She left the criticism for the teacher and she only raved about how much she loved my good notes. My practicing didn't become work. It was a time to show off, and it became the best time of my day.

 

I wrote this today for a couple of reasons. My mom's technique can apply to all sorts of different childhood endeavors. And I was reminded of this because I will be the featured euphonium soloist in an upcoming concert.

 

If you happen to live in the Denver area, come to the free concert on May 9th at 7:30 p.m. It will be held at Ralston Valley High School. If you can't attend, look for it on our YouTube channel.

 

As you can tell, my mother gave me a gift for a lifetime.

 

Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.

 

Jim  Fay

 

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2013 Summer Conference

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Do you like to have fun while learning new skills? If so, don't miss the opportunity to join us in Denver, CO for our 28th Annual Summer Conference.

June 20-22, 2013

 


 

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Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Screamfree Session 3: Principle 8 This Thurs am ~ Identifying type of structure and our patterns

Hola ScreamFree Moms,
It's seems like it's been way too long since our last class. Our 3rd session is this Thursday morning, April 25th, at 6160 Peachtree Dunwoody Rd Suite B210, Sandy Springs, 30328. Even if you have missed the prior two sessions, you really can jump in at any one of the 5 sessions. You will get something from it!! Fyi, I am considering squeezing in another ScreamFree series, right before summer break, on a Tues or Weds am, IF enough interest (at least 4 new parents). If this series is a go, it can be a benefit to you because you will have the opportunity to do a make-up / refresher and/or your spouse, friend, nanny, other family can come to join in the class with you as well:) It's so helpful to create your own ScreamFree Village! Please let me know if you have anyone who might want to sign up or just forward them this email so they can contact me.

As a quick review of our last session:
Have you noticed your use of labels for those around you or even how you label yourself, whether out loud or to silently to yourself or noticed others labeling? For instance, just this winter, Christopher has labeled a classmate as bossy and continues to call this little girl bossy based on an isolated experience that he witnessed where he was not even involved. Funny because I am doing my darnest not to view, all the time, this girl as "bossy". More empowering for all is to learn to say sometimes she is bossy, sometimes she is patient, sometimes she can be helpful. I just saw Dr Brene Brown, author of "Daring Greatly" (she is my new HERO!) interviewed, on Super Soul Sunday on OWN, by Oprah, discussing similar challenges and how play into shame vs guilt. Brene has taught her 5 year old to distinguish between making a mess and being messy. The danger and damage is a result of thinking "I am" messy, mean, selfish, dumb, vs just acting / behaving that way. As Christopher's wise lower elementary teacher shared this wk, during our outdoor overnight up at the Landschool, every child can be a bully sometimes. We ALL have that capacity, just as we have the capacity for kindness, compassion, generosity, thoughtfulness....

What label did you find placed upon you by family or friends?
"Good girl"; "Our smart one"; "The good athlete" ; "Troublemaker". I was the "good girl" or a "perfect daughter" until 9th grade when I had a party when my family went away to an ice hockey tournament.

How did that label affect the way you felt about yourself?

We get into trouble anytime we assume we know our children.
They cannot be known as constantly evolving / changing.

So instead of labeling a child, try describing the behavior. This would communicate what you're seeing in the child, but still FREE the child to Change.
"I notice you're smiling while assisting with food preparation! Looks like you are enjoying helping!"
"I see you working really hard on your puzzle."
"I notice you cleaning up after yourself today, without my reminding you."
"I noticed this week that you asked ahead of time for project supplies instead of waiting until the night before."
"Sean sometimes whines at bedtime."

For this session's overview ~
Section 3 : Keeping your Cool Means Creating a PLACE

* Just as SPACE refers to our relationship with ourselves, PLACE largely refers to our relationship with others. Hal describes boundaries as both freeing and limiting. *

» "Knowing our place is what gives us security, stability, and structure." «

Principle 8
PARENTS SET THE TABLE BY SETTING THE TONE (and Vice-Versa)

» "Children don't always want what they say they want."«

» There are two sides to parenting: the personal side (games, delight) and the business side (structure, routine) ~ Our responsibility is to find a balance between the two sides instead of depending on our spouse for one side «

It's the parent's job to ensure PLACE
1 - Protect child's place when invaded
2 - Let child know when went too far

~ Setting Your Own Table ~
As with most things we do, how you set your own table has a great deal to do with your experience at the table in your family history. Consider your own experience as a child and reflect on the following questions from your workbook:

What was the TONE that your parents set?

How did you perceive the structure in your family? Was it chaotic? Was it rigid?

"All behavior occurs in a pattern, and all patterns have at least two parties."
So, the Good News: We are one part of the pattern so we can Focus on our part of the pattern.

Look forward to seeing you all this Thurs am. Pls let me know if you plan to drop in so I can have enough chairs set up and enough coffee, and/or water.

Cheers,
Andrea

Saturday, April 20, 2013

The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto from Daring Greatly by Brené Brown


From: Andrea Gooldy <andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>
Date: Sun, 21 Apr 2013 00:00:20 -0400
To: Parent Coach Andrea Gooldy<andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>
Subject: The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto from Daring Greatly by Brené Brown

The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto
Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and loveable.

You will learn this from my words and actions—the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.

I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.

You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.

We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.

We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.

You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.

I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.

I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.

When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.

Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.

We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.

As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.

I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.

Reprinted from Daring Greatly by Brené Brown by arrangement with Gotham Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc., Copyright (c) 2012.
 
 

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Screamfree Session 2: THIS THURS 9am Principles 4-7 ~ "Tell me More"

Good evening ~
Here is a teaser for tomorrow's session! I will have your workbooks so you can capture all this powerful information, review all the thought provoking quotes, and have exercises to supplement your class work. Looking forward to sharing your mistakes as well as your successes....my goal is that we are able to identify the progress you are making so we can build on that. My recent spiritual belief is whatever we feed / give attention to grows, so let's spotlight what we, our kids, partners, our friends, our family are doing right!!! Personally, I grew up in a family where we often did the opposite, using sarcasm, and guess what grew??! Now, it all makes sense. I'm sure a lot of you can relate or this will shed light on why things worked well in your family. Gosh, I wish we, or I, learned earlier about boundaries in my family. LoL! But, it is never too late. My parents are so focused on being amazing grandparents and I am grateful. We can teach our kids and/or learn with them. IF plan to be earlier than 845am to review last wk's video, please let me know;)
Andrea

Perimeter Course Location :
6160 Peachtree Dunwoody Rd Suite B210, Atlanta, GA 30328 -
It's off Peachtree Dunwoody Rd and Hammond, very close to Uncle Julio's, right down the street from Costco and Home Depot.

Section 2: Keeping Your Cool Means Creating Space ~

This section proceeds from a position of calming authority to creating and maintaining an environment that facilitates the growth of our children. In other words, it is time to look at our boundaries.

Boundaries are not limits, but rather self-definition.

Principle 4
BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND, BUT LET GO OF THE FINAL RESULTS

What characteristics would you most like your kids to exhibit as adults?

> The ultimate goal of parenting is to launch our kids into adulthood as self-directed, decisive, and responsible people <

"We inevitably doom our children to failure and frustration when we try to set their goals for them."
-- Dr. Jess Lair

Principle 5
KIDS NEED THEIR ROOM

What kids need most are parents who don't need them.

> Giving our children space is about appreciating that they have a life of their own <

3 WORDS to improve your relationship: "TELL ME MORE"

Principle 6
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE; PRACTICE JUDO PARENTING

Power struggles only occur when both parties feel threatened.

> Can't have a strong-willed child unless strong-willed parent <

Our goal is not to stifle our child's emotions, but rather steer them toward productive expression.

* So instead of rescuing or fixing problems for our kids, we let them struggle, let them have their emotions, their moods, etc. Just be an observer and empathize:
"Wow, that stinks" or "I know....that sounds tough" or "That's a bummer"
Then ask: "So what are you going to do about it?"

Principle 7
YOU ARE NOT A PROPHET, AND NEITHER IS GRANDMA

By exercising restraint over our own freedom, we grant our children the freedom to become themselves.

> This section is about the responsibility of our language <

* The labels we place on our kids, even if those labels at first seem positive, stick harder and last longer that we can possibly imagine. Labels tend to define the child, preventing even the capability to conceptualize change.*

What label did you find placed upon you by family or friends?
"Good girl"; "Our smart one"; "The good athlete" ; "Troublemaker"

How did that label affect the way you felt about yourself?

We get into trouble anytime we assume we know our children.
They cannot be known as constantly evolving / changing.

So instead of labeling a child, try describing the behavior. This would communicate what you're seeing in the child, but still FREE the child to Change.
"I see you working really hard on your puzzle."
"I notice you cleaning up after yourself today without my reminding you."
"It seems hard for you to hug people that you don't know very well."
"I noticed this week that you asked ahead of time for project supplies instead of waiting until the night before."
"Sean sometimes whines at bedtime."

Notice above that I purposely avoided using any limiting words such as "always," "never," "all the time," "constantly." Some words like these could be removed from our vocabulary to greatly benefit our relationships. Hmm, so true...just used always and never in a conversation on Saturday and both were confining and not motivating to the recipient:( Glad I am writing these session overviews so I am reminded to utilize these concepts.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

ScreamFree Tip ~ "A wise parent humors the desire for independent action, so as to become the friend and advisor when absolute rule shall cease."

Good afternoon ScreamFree mamas ~
Just checking in and sending a ScreamFree Parenting tip to keep you in the ScreamFree frame of mind, or help you get you back in it. This letting go concept is so difficult for a lot of us ~ we need to let go, and let go again, and then again, when it comes to our children. Just as we need to do with our spouses, our parents, siblings, our good friends, etc....It is going to look different, depending on our child's age, his/her personality and ours, plus it is constantly changing ~ that's what makes it fascinating to me, and very challenging to do on our own since we are so close to the situation. Please use this group forum to drill down to what it looks like in your family, with your child/ren. Our next class is this Thurs April 11th beginning at 9am; however, I can meet earlier, at 815 or 830, for anyone who missed the first session or a portion of the session. Please let me know if want to do that. For your calendar, our remainding sessions are:
Thurs April 11th & the 25th (skipping the 18th)
May 2nd & the 9th

As we discussed last week around starting with the end in mind, we want to raise adults who have confidence in their decision making skills, are resilient and believe in themselves. And don't you want to "champion their (our children's) dreams instead of your own, (so) they will see that you are in their corner and they will respect you for that." I do!! I may get off track with that purpose, but luckily, I get back on track via ongoing parenting support like this class, reading and getting honest feedback from
other parents that I respect.
Pls read below for full parenting tip!
Andrea

From: The ScreamFree Institute <info@screamfree.com>
Date: Mon, 1 Apr 2013 10:00:59 -0500 (CDT)
To: <andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>
ReplyTo: The ScreamFree Institute <info@screamfree.com>
Subject: Tick Tock Goes the Clock

  ScreamFree Tip of the Day  

Share with a Friend

Tip of the Day April 1, 2013

The Quote

"A wise parent humors the desire for independent action, so as to become the friend and advisor when his absolute rule shall cease."

-Sharon Salzberg, The O Magazine, The Power of Intention 2004

 

ScreamFree's Take

hal totd

The whole goal of parenting is to help our kids arrive at a place where they do not need us any longer. That perspective is difficult to see in our day to day lives and frankly, many parents don’t even want to look for it. I think that’s because many of us, unfortunately, like to be needed by our children. It gives us a feeling of importance and worth that is otherwise hard to come by.

We have to realize that at some point, our children will be on their own. They will not need our permission to do things or to go places. That is not something that happens all at once. At least it shouldn’t be. As our kids grow, we should be giving them incremental freedom and responsibility. We should be teaching them how to become good decision makers, and we have to face that making mistakes and getting hurt is a part of that process. The more you can encourage your child to be independent and self-reliant, the more they will believe in themselves. And when you champion their dreams instead of your own, they will see that you are in their corner and they will respect you for that.

-Hal Runkel, LMFT, Author of ScreamFree Parenting & ScreamFree Marriage

 

ScreamFree Coaching
 

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