ScreamFree Tip: "...It is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings."

Hi Screamfree Moms!
This one hits close to home for me. So much easier and quicker, in the short term, to do for my son instead of teaching him, patiently and calmly, how to do things for himself. For example, when we get home from school, I often just carry his jacket, water bottle & lunch box out of the car instead of asking him to do it or if he refuses or ignores me, saying something like: "Boys who help put their stuff away get to play outside for 10 mins or play inside with their blocks" or "Feel free to play as soon as you've put your lunch box and water bottle on the counter. Can you do it alone or do want me to help you?" So, this afternoon, I am going to prep him on way home by giving him my expectations (prior to his flying out of car as soon as park in garage) and then follow through if he doesn't carry his things inside instead of just doing it myself. And if I forget, I'll have another chance to practice tomorrow!
During our two week break, please reach out to me and the group or just me with updates, challenges, successes, etc. Remember, we all need support, and encouragement as well fresh ideas from other parents who aren't attached/so close to the situation like we are. Additionally, it's beneficial for our children to see us asking for help and still learning because no one has all the answers; except maybe those that don't have children yet!
Thank you for reading!
Andrea

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From: The ScreamFree Institute <info@screamfree.com>

Date: Mon, 4 Apr 2011 03:00:33 -0500 (CDT)

To: <andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>

ReplyTo: The ScreamFree Institute <info@screamfree.com>

Subject: ScreamFree Tip of the Day: Forget Jeeves, Just Ask Mom or Dad

Share with a Friend April 4, 2011 | Here's your daily parenting tip from ScreamFree "What the vast majority of U.S. children needs is to stop being pampered, stop being indulged, stop being chauffeured, stop being catered to. In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings." -Ann Landers, U.S. advice columnist (1918-2002) Jenny's Take:   We live such hectic lives that more often than not, it is easier (and much faster) for us to do small things for our children instead of allowing them to learn those things along the road of self-sufficiency. I am as guilty as the next person for this very vice. Just last night, Hannah sat down to finish a homework assignment without the book she needed. All it took was one whiny word from her about it, and I was off and running to fetch her bookbag. I shoved it to her in frustration, thinking, “Why doesn’t she do anything for herself?” I should be looking for opportunities to expand her independence, even though it takes an exponential amount of time and effort to do so. I should ignore her complaints about having to do things for herself, because deep down, we both know it’s better for her in the long run. -Jenny Runkel, Director Content & Co-author of ScreamFree Marriage

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Happy Friday Screamfree Sista Quote:

"For every minute you are angry (worrying, feeling guilty, frustrated, focusing on what's wrong/what's missing, criticizing yourself or others) you lose sixty seconds of happiness." Ralph Waldo Emerson ~ Here's to a Moment of Gratitude and Calm:D

The "Uh Oh song"

Steps for the "Uh Oh song" (from pages 74-75 in 'Love and Logic' Magic for Early Childhood ~ Practical Parenting from birth to 6 years old)

1. Instead of making threats or giving warnings, sing, "Uh-oh" and take action. ~ Maybe you'll carry your child into the bedroom and say, "Looks like you need a little bedroom time." Or maybe you'll take away an offending object and say calmly, "All gone!" Whatever action you'll take begins with "Uh-oh!" Why? Because singing this simple song really communicates, "You're such a great kid, and I am such a great parent that I can handle you without yelling, without frowning, and without stressing myself out." Parents also report that singing, "Uh-oh" also helps them stay calm.
* Please note: this technique is not for infants and very young children who are crying or acting out because they have a need that must be fulfilled (hungry, diaper needs to be changed, tired so needs nap, doesn't feel well, etc)
When a child has a basic need, meet it instead of punishing or ignoring your child! The "Uh-oh" song is designed to limit children's wants, not deprive them of what they need.*

2. Gently lead or carry your child to his or her room. ~ Make the room safe ahead if time. Wise parents remove anything that they don't want broken.

3. Give your child a choice about the door. ~ "Do you need the door shut, or open?" If a child comes out before she's ready, then shut the door and make sure that it stays shut. Turn the lock around. Put a towel on top of the door; wedge it tightly so she isn't strong enough to pull it open. Put a latch on the outside. Whatever is safe and easily done. Remember to stay just outside the door (but no talking through the door:).

4. Say, "Feel free to come out when you're acting sweet." ~ Don't let your child out until she is calm. Some kids need temporarily extended time limits. In fact, some children, the first few times using this technique, will need to be in the room for more than hour. It's okay to check on child from time to time, but a kid really needs to stay in there until she's ready to behave. Parents using this technique report that the time required begins to shorten very quickly if they remain consistent.
* Most kids are smart enough to figure out the misbehavior doesn't pay. There may be an extended initial period of adjustment, but that behavior usually starts to fade out rather rapidly - as long as parents don't interact with a child while he or she is in the room. The best way to make this technique backfire is to use too many words.*

5. Do not lecture or remind when your child is ready to come out.
~ This is the time to give a Big Hug and move on with your day. If your child acts up again in a few minutes, just sing "Uh-oh" and repeat the technique. Some kids require more than one or two trips when they're first learning about "Uh-oh". Don't sweat it. That's normal.

6. HAVE FUN with your kids when they're behaving. ~ In order for this technique, do you think it might be smart to have a lot of fun with your kids when they're behaving? Some kids love to go to their room because it gets them away from a nasty parent.

¤ Be Silly with your kids. Have Fun! Partake in the Joy. Then, when they misbehave, all the fun shuts down. You're not angry and you don't yell, but you are very boring when their behavior turns sour. Teach them that a life of misbehavior is pretty dull. ¤

L & L Session 3: "Avoiding Power Struggles" Thurs 3/31 930am FMSA

Hello FMSA Love & Logic Parents ~
See below for this Thursday's session overview. *** Please Note that class is this THURSDAY instead of Wednesday. *** It's the only session during this series which is on a Thursday. The two remaining are on Weds mornings ~ Weds April 6th, skip a week then the last session is Weds April 20th. Please bring your workbooks so we can do some exercises during class. At the bottom of this email, I've included some positive feedback I received from a mom who took my L & L course last spring and quickly employed several of the parenting strategies particularly sharing control through choices and the "Uh Oh song".

This week our session will teach:
* Time-tested tips for ending bedtime battles
* How to get control by sharing it
* What to do with little ones who want to sleep with you
* Why relationship and nurturing is the foundation of responsibility

» The Science of Control «
The more we share, the more we have. The less control we share, the less we have.

We can either share control on our terms or force our kids to take it on their terms.

~ Each choice we give our kids is like a little "deposit" into their subconscious "savings account of control." Even when choices seem small and a bit silly, they can be very powerful. This is because choices create situations requiring children to THINK.

Here are some examples of possible choices:
"Do you want to go potty now or when the timer goes off?" "Ok, do you me to set the timer for 2 mins or 4 mins?"
"Do you want to wear your coat or carry it?"
"Do you want to leave the playground now or in five minutes?"
"Are you going to brush your teeth in your bathroom or mommy's bathroom?"
"Would you rather play nicely next to me while I am on the phone or be noisy in your room?"
"Would you rather clean your room this morning or this afternoon?"
"Do you want to stay in your own chair while you eat or sit on mommy's lap?" (This has worked well when we are out to eat)

EXERCISE: Think about some current power struggles you're experiencing with your child....ie: won't go nite nite / stay in bed, refusing to eat, won't get dressed, won't get in car / car seat, continually whining, etc.

Then during class we can prepare a list of possible choices you can give your child(ren)....and you can go home to immediately start experimenting!!
* See how many choices you can give during the day *

As Jim & Charles Fay write in their book 'Love and Logic' Magic for Early Childhood ~ Practical Parenting from birth to 6 yrs old:
"Wouldn't it be great if your children could learn, early on, that every choice they make affects the quality of their lives?
A combination of Love and Logic can create this learning now, while they are still very young."

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Andrea,
I have to say that I am amazed at the success that I have had this week.  It was difficult for me to phrase things when upset in an empathetic way (even though I was trying real hard!).  The Uh Oh song just didn't feel much different than the time-outs that I had been doing with Nick, my 4 1/2 year old. However, giving him choices on EVERYTHING has completely changed the dynamic in our house!!  He doesn't seem to be acting out just to 'buck the system' anymore.  Instead of telling him "no" or that he needs to do such and such now or else, blah, blah, blah; we give him two acceptable choices and completely let him decide.  We literally only had to put him in his room once in the past week (huge improvement for us) and it was for whining, not acting out.  But, even more exciting then that, my husband was going to REI on Saturday and asked Nick if he would like to go with.  Nick said no, that he would rather stay home with Mom.  That was literally the first time that has EVER happened.  It made the baby book!! 

With that said, the Uh Oh song is working well for Sean, my 22 month old, who is starting to explore his boundaries.  I have found that it is also helping him learn to self soothe.  Because he is so much calmer and easier than Nick, I have always gone to him when he cries because it doesn't happen often.  Now that we are taking things like MATCHES that he found away from him, he is having difficulty calming himself down.  The singing plus time alone in his crib is really helping.  I feel like I am getting ahead of any issues with him. So, it has been a really good parenting week!!  I am hoping that the effects won't 'wear off' and I will have more positive stories next week at class.  Thanks for all tips!! 

Screamfree Parenting Session 2

Section 2: Keeping Your Cool Means Creating Space ~

This section proceeds from a position of calming authority to creating and maintaining an environment that facilitates the growth of our children. In other words, it is time to look at our boundaries.

Boundaries are not limits, but rather self-definition.

Principle 4
BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND, BUT LET GO OF THE FINAL RESULTS

What characteristics would you most like your kids to exhibit as adults?

> The ultimate goal of parenting is to launch our kids into adulthood as self-directed, decisive, and responsible people <

"We inevitably doom our children to failure and frustration when we try to set their goals for them."
-- Dr. Jess Lair

Principle 5
KIDS NEED THEIR ROOM

What kids need most are parents who don't need them.

> Giving our children space is about appreciating that they have a life of their own <

3 words to improve your relationship: "Tell me more"

Principle 6
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE; PRACTICE JUDO PARENTING

Power struggles only occur when both parties feel threatened.

> Can't have a strong-willed child unless strong-willed parent <

Our goal is not to stifle our child's emotions, but rather steer them toward productive expression.

* So instead of rescuing or fixing problems for our kids, we let them struggle, let them have their emotions, their moods, etc. Just be an observer and empathize:
"Wow, that stinks" or "I know....that sounds tough" or "That's a bummer"
Then ask: "So what are you going to do about it?"

Principle 7
YOU ARE NOT A PROPHET, AND NEITHER IS GRANDMA

By exercising restraint over our own freedom, we grant our children the freedom to become themselves.

> This section is about the responsibility of our language <

* The labels we place on our kids, even if those labels at first seem positive, stick harder and last longer that we can possibly imagine. Labels tend to define the child, preventing even the capability to conceptualize change.*

What label did you find placed upon you by family or friends?
"Good girl"; "Our smart one"; "The good athlete" ; "Troublemaker"

How did that label affect the way you felt about yourself?

We get into trouble anytime we assume we know our children.
They cannot be known as constantly evolving / changing.

So instead of labeling a child, try describing the behavior. This would communicate what you're seeing in the child, but still FREE the child to Change.
"I see you working really hard on your puzzle."
"I notice you cleaning up after yourself today without my reminding you."
"I noticed this week that you asked ahead of time for project supplies instead of waiting until the night before."
"Sean sometimes whines at bedtime."

Notice above that I purposely avoided using any limiting words such as "always," "never," "all the time," "constantly." Some words like these could be removed from our vocabulary to greatly benefit our relationships. Hmm, so true...just used always and never in a conversation on Saturday and both were confining and not motivating to the recipient:( Glad I am writing these session overviews so I am reminded to utilize these concepts.

Screamfree Parenting Session 1

Hello Screamfree Class!
Looking forward to seeing you all tomorrow, Tues March 15th @ 11am. I try to send out a descriptive outline of the topics to be taught and discussed prior to each parenting class. My goal is to get you engaged and your wheels turning about what you want to get from the session!

We will be watching DVD 1: Becoming the "Cool" Parent Your Kids Really Need. We will be covering the following principles in our first session:

PRINCIPLE 1
Parenting is Not About Kids, It's About Parents:
"The greatest thing we can do for our kids is learn to Focus on ourselves."
* As Hal says in the book, the focus is on you because you are the only one you can ultimately control. We are not responsible for our kids, we are responsible to them. You can share with your child what you are responsible for. For example, "I am responsible for balancing my work/family life, for loving your father, for my conduct, for my self-care."

PRINCIPLE 2
Growing Up is hard to Do, Especially for Parents:
"Part of being a grown-up is the willingness to endure discomfort now for sake of a payoff later."
* Please think about the hardest part of parenting and how our emotional reactivity plays into it. Hal describes the choices inherent in emotional reactivity as either giving in or flipping out. Rather than focusing on ourselves, we focus instead on our anxiety and cause the outcome that we most fear -- and that's the price of reactivity. *

PRINCIPLE 3
IF You're Not in Control, You Cannot Be in Charge:
"To be 'under control' means taking sole responsibility for our own emotions, responses, and decisions."
* Why should your children respect you? What have you done that is respectful? *
* Please think about examples of people who seem to retain control of their own remotes as calm and inspiring leaders. *


"Maturity is the ability to think, speak and act your feelings within the bounds of dignity. The measure of your maturity is how spiritual you become during the midst of your frustrations."
--Samuel Ullman


Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.

Upcoming Love and Logic Early Childhood Course at First Montessori School of Atlanta

I am SO excited to finally have a parenting class, Love and Logic: Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun, starting Thurs Jan 13th, open to the public!!! Please contact me at AndreaParentCoach@gmail.com to sign up. I am offering discounted pricing of $65 for the 5 sessions plus the L &L workbook.

FMSA Love and Logic morning class dates Jan 13,21 and Feb 10,17&24
Time : 9:30-11:30am
Location: First Montessori School of Atlanta (FMSA) Library
FMSA is located in Sandy Springs off of Mount Vernon on Long Island Dr at
5750 Long Island Drive, NW
Atlanta, GA 30327

Session 1 Thurs Jan 12th
"Handling Misbehavior Without Breaking A Sweat."

Session 2 Friday Jan 21st
"Teaching Kids to Listen....The FIRST Time."

Session 3 Thurs Feb 10th
"Avoiding Power Struggles."

Session 4 Thurs Feb 17th
"Limits Create Happier Parents, Happier Kids, And Happier Families."

Session 5 Thurs Feb 24th
"What To Do When Your Kids Leave You Speechless."