For all of you for kids that are 8 years old!
------Original Message------
From: The ScreamFree Institute
To: Parent Coach Andrea
ReplyTo: The ScreamFree Institute
Subject: Tip of the Day: It's Tough to be Eight
Sent: Nov 3, 2010 4:00 AM
November 3, 2010 | Here's your daily parenting tip from ScreamFree "When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business."
- Lenny Bruce, U.S. comedian (1925-1966)
Hal's Take:
It is easy for parents to forget what it was like to be a kid. It's easy to forget what it's like being small. Feeling as if no part of your life is up to you and having to constantly play follow the leader. Here's a tip: the next time one of your children is battling you in a seemingly nonsensical way, (e.g. pitching a fit for no reason), try a little empathy. "Wow, seems like you're having a rough day. Is this one of those, it's tough-to-be-8 type of days?" He may not automatically respond in a way that you'd like, but he'll definitely get the impression that you're trying to understand. And that can sometimes make all of the difference.
-Hal Runkel, LMFT author of ScreamFree Parenting
© The ScreamFree Institute Inc. The ScreamFree Institute Inc., 45 Technology Parkway South, Suite 240, Norcross, GA 30092. 678-672-6410 www.screamfree.com
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Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Positive Discipline ~ Parenting Teens: How Do You Know When Your Child Becomes a Teen?
From: Positive Discipline <jane.nelsen@gmail.com>
Sender: noreply+feedproxy@google.com
Date: Wed, 06 Apr 2011 20:15:18 +0000
To: <Andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>
Subject: Positive Discipline with Dr. Jane Nelsen
Positive Discipline with Dr. Jane Nelsen |
| Parenting Teens: How Do You Know When Your Child Becomes a Teen? Posted: 06 Apr 2011 12:15 PM PDT  The following is an excerpt from the book Positive Discipline for Teenagers by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott. You know you have a teenager when you hear yourself complaining, "She has no purpose. He won't help. She only cares about her friends. He is so self-centered. Her room is a mess. I can't trust him. This is out of control. I can 't stand her hair, clothes, makeup, or music. He wastes his money. She resents me and idolizes rock stars. He is on drugs and treats me like dirt. She is moody and irresponsible." Another sign that you have an adolescent is when you hear him complaining, "My parents treat me like a kid. They think I 'm having sex all the time. They butt in. They hate my friends. They give advice. They try to live my life for me. They are never satisfied. All they do is ask questions and control my life. Why can 't they just leave me alone?" The Dream Teen and the Normal Teen  IN OUR WORKSHOP on parenting teenagers, we asked one group to draw a "normal" teen, or how most parents see their teens. The composite teen was messy and self-centered, listened to loud music, defied authority, preferred friends to family, decorated room with posters, valued cars and an independent lifestyle, conformed to the clothing styles of peers (no matter how gross), smoked, and drank alcohol. Comments from the group included:
The last comment was a nice reminder to the group that we all continue to grow and change beyond adolescence. Another group was asked to draw a "dream" teen, or how most parents think they want their teens to be. The composite teen was voted prom queen or king, kept agreements ("I promise to be there on time, as always."), volunteered to help, loved to talk to parents ("Let me tell you everything about my life."), ate only healthy food, didn't watch television, was very athletic, earned two scholarships (one athletic and one academic), scored high on the SATs, lined up a summer job by January, supplied his or her own money for hair or makeup and saved the rest for college and a car, respected everyone (including siblings), was respectfully assertive, and was an A student. Comments from the group included:
This exercise reveals that although you may fantasize about having an ideal teen, you instinctively know that such a creature is rarely found. Even though the reality of living with a "normal" teen can be quite painful, it will be easier if you can come to a deeper understanding of what is happening during adolescence. Someone once said that the teen years were created so parents would find it easier to let go when their children turned twenty. At times this statement seems like an understatement. Some teens can be very hard to love. They make promises that they forget to keep. They think they know everything and continually tell you how stupid you are. They hate to clean their rooms, they listen to music you can 't stand, and they exaggerate everything. They even talk funny. Sometimes they talk so fast, only another teenager can understand what they 're saying. Other teens seem to withdraw into a shell. They don 't put you down, they just clam up or revert to one-word sentences such as, "Yeah" or "Nah." Occasionally you may hear three words, "I don 't know." Often, parents look at their teens and feel a sense of failure. You may wonder how you could have created such a monster. You may wonder if there is any hope for one last chance to teach them lessons and to mold them into decent human beings. You may feel desperate and hopeless, angry and aggravated. If you could simply relax and remember that these are the years when your children are experimenting in an attempt to find out what they think, you could enjoy them more. If you gave up trying to teach them and instead learned to be curious and amazed, you could appreciate their struggle. If you could relax, you could trust that who they are now is in no way a reflection on you or indicative of who they will be when they grow up. With these new attitudes, you could focus on long-range parenting and learn to be a guide and facilitator who your teen could trust. Take a Trip Down Memory Lane THINK BACK TO your teen years. Do you remember what your world was like? What were your issues? What did you think about all day? Take time to make a list of what was important to you. You might even want to talk to people who were teens during different decades (the 1990s, 1980s, 1970s, and so forth). Ask them what was important to them as teens, what they were like, and how they were parented. Compare your information with the following issues, mentioned by teens today: TEEN ISSUES
Notice that these issues do not include anything about clean rooms, a clean house, doing chores, spending time with family, being considerate, or being nice to brothers and sisters. Parents often think that their teens are doing or not doing certain things because they want to hurt their parents or that their teens are being disrespectful of their wishes. As you can see from your list and the list above, teenagers usually aren't thinking much about their parents. Parents will be much happier if they accept and respect the fact that, for instance, chores are not a priority for teens. That doesn't mean they shouldn't do them. It does mean you'll have better results if you acknowledge to your children, "I can understand that chores aren't a priority for you, but they need to be done anyway. Let 's work on a plan to make chores as easy as possible." What Is Happening During Adolescence? IF YOU THINK that how your children behave as teenagers is who they will be for the rest of their lives, you probably feel a fair amount of anxiety. Although it may seem otherwise, your teens have not grown up to be terrible people, because they are not grown up yet. They are individuating; their behavior is only temporary. It will last for as long as it takes for them to find out who they are and how they can move from childhood to adulthood. Many life tasks are inherent in child growth and development. These tasks may be physical, intellectual, emotional, social, psychological, or spiritual. As young people move through adolescence, from childhood to adulthood, their primary task is individuation. CHARACTERISTICS OF INDIVIDUATION
Adolescents Have a Need to Find Out Who They Are Teens want to know how they are different from their families, how they feel and what they think about things, and what their own values are. This process of separation from the family in preparation for an independent adulthood is called individuation. Individuation Usually Looks Like Rebellion to Parents Although most parents worry when their teenagers rebel, it would be more appropriate to worry if they didn't. Teenagers must begin their separation from their families, and rebellion gives them the ability to do this. At first, teens may rebel by challenging what is important to their families (family values) or zeroing in on what their parents want and then doing exactly the opposite. Later, they may rebel in other ways—but at first individuation is primarily a reaction against their parents, and doing the opposite is the simplest, most natural way of being different. If teens are not allowed to rebel, they may do it in their twenties, thirties, or fifties. Even worse, they may become approval junkies— afraid to take risks or to feel comfortable with who they are. Adolescents Go Through Huge Physical and Emotional Changes  Whether they like it or not, adolescents are maturing physically and sexually, undergoing biological processes that are essentially out of their control. In addition to the tumultuous, contradictory feelings these major changes cause, adolescents may feel anxiety regarding their rate of change—they may feel their physical maturation is too quick or too slow in relation to that of their peers. (Most parents would prefer their children to mature slowly, but nature has its own patterns.) The physical maturation process, with its sudden and powerful hormonal changes, causes mood swings. Without premeditation, teens are delightful one minute and biting your head off the next. In addition, some teens are in such a rapid rate of physical growth that they experience real "growing pains," where their bodies actually hurt. Peer Relationships Take Precedence Over Family Relationships Teens need to work out their relationships with peers to find out if and how they fit in. Friendships take the place of time spent with family. Although peer relationships help teens in their task of separation, parents often interpret it as rejection or rebellion. Have patience. If you avoid power struggles and criticism, your teen will become one of your best friends in his or her twenties. Teens Explore and Exercise Personal Power and Autonomy Teens have a strong desire to find out what they are capable of—they need to test their power and importance in the world. This means that they want to decide what they can do for themselves without being directed and ordered. Parents often take this as a challenge to their own power, thus creating power struggles. Some teens find personal power so intimidating that they want others, usually their peers, to tell them what to do, which can be a dangerous consequence of overly controlling parents. This is not a very easy choice— rebellion or compliance—but it 's often the only choice teens see when they don 't have the opportunity to exercise their own personal power and autonomy. For parents, the key is learning to support teen rebellion in respectful ways that teach important life skills, which is the focus of this book. Teens Have a Great Need for Privacy Because their rate of development moves so fast and is out of their control, it can be embarrassing for teens to have their families watching and knowing. As teens try to figure out what 's important to them, they may engage in activities without parental approval before deciding for themselves that they might not want to do the activities after all. To escape getting in trouble or to avoid disappointing you, teens will figure out how to test activities that you may not approve of without your knowledge. Your teen's need for privacy can be very scary for you. You may worry that you are not being a responsible parent if you don 't know everything your teen is doing. You may fear that your teen might build bombs (or engage in some other disastrous activity) if you are not vigilant. We have news for you: If your teens are going to engage in these activities, they will do it in spite of your vigilance. They will just go underground so they have less chance of getting caught. The best prevention for possible disaster is to build kind and firm relationships with your teens—let them know that they are unconditionally important to you and provide opportunities for them to learn important life skills. They will then be able to think for themselves and figure out what is important to them. Accomplishing this goal is the aim of this book. Parents Become an Embarrassment to Their Teens During the teenage years, teens tend to put their parents down and try to show parents how "stupid" they are. Sometimes teens act embarrassed around their parents and families in public or may even refuse to be seen with them. The affection that may have been a normal part of family life may suddenly become taboo. We will remind you many times that this is a temporary condition, unless you make an issue of it that builds resentment for the future. Teens See Themselves as Omnipotent and All Knowing Parents who try to tell teens how to dress or eat or what they can or can't do just don't seem to understand that teens never get sick, don 't get cold, don't need sleep, and can live forever on junk food or no food at all. Many parents wonder how their children even survive these years, but the facts are that most teens do. To some it may seem that the methods we advocate are permissive and increase the chances of drastic consequences. The opposite is true. Not Permissiveness OFTEN, WE GET a very strong reaction from parents who read this list of teenage characteristics. The comments of these parents are very similar, "You can't just stop being a parent and let kids go off on their own to individuate." That last word is said with a great deal of sarcasm. We do not advocate permissiveness, because that kind of parenting deprives young people of the opportunities to learn life skills, to develop their own potential, to be self-reliant and responsible, and to learn from their mistakes. To do all of this, they need guidance (kind and firm parenting as described in chapter 3), but not external controls, which only increase rebellion. Throughout this book, we show you how to help guide your teens in new, positive ways.
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Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Love and Logic: Poor Sport
------Original Message------
From: Love and Logic Institute, Inc.
To: -AAndrea Gooldy
ReplyTo: Love and Logic Institute
Subject: Poor Sport
Sent: Apr 27, 2011 1:00 PM
From: Love and Logic Institute, Inc.
To: -AAndrea Gooldy
ReplyTo: Love and Logic Institute
Subject: Poor Sport
Sent: Apr 27, 2011 1:00 PM
To receive email from Love and Logic Institute, Inc., add reply@loveandlogicnews.com to your safe sender list. View as Web Page Subscribe Send to a Friend Love and Logic Institute, Inc. Helping Raise Responsible Kids Since 1977™ Poor Sport Dear Andrea, Jason was having a bad day on the soccer field, yelling out criticisms to his teammates. "Settle down, Jason," warned his coach. "Give the others a break. It's not all about you. Share the ball or I'm going to have to pull you from the game." Hearing this, Jason ran screaming at two of the other players, pushed one down and kicked the ball over the fence. Needless to say, he was pulled from the game. The trip home was no fun for his mom as she listened to him complaining about how stupid the other kids were and how unfair the coach was treating him. All she could think about was that her son had forgotten their talks that it is more important to be a good person and a good sport than it is to be a soccer star. The next day, Mom made phone calls to the coach and to several of the other team mothers. "I need your help to teach Jason the importance of becoming a good person rather than just a good soccer player. Would you be willing to charge Jason if he calls for rides to games? You would? Oh, thank you so much." Mom then had a discussion with Jason. "I take you to your soccer games because it's fun for me. Your last game wasn't fun. I was embarrassed by your behavior. I will drive you to your game again some day after the coach tells me that you have become a good sport." "How am I supposed to get to the games if you're not driving me?" "Well, sweetie, that's something I was wondering about as well." "I'll just get a ride with some of the other guys." After making several calls, Jason yelled, "This is a rip off! All the other moms want to charge me to ride with them. They don't even care if the team loses! This stinks!" Mom held the line. After several weeks and Jason having spent $20.00 on rides, the coach called with a good report and lavish thanks to this courageous mother. The remaining games were a lot more fun for both Jason and his mother. To learn more tips for raising respectful, responsible kids, watch our DVD Real World Parenting Solutions. For those of you in Wisconsin, I will be in the Madison area on Tuesday, 5/3. Register here or call 800-338-4065 for additional information. Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend. Jim Fay For helpful tips, special promotions, and event announcements, follow Love and Logic® on Twitter and become a fan on Facebook. If we have misspelled your name, or if this isn't you, please click here to correct. ©2011 Love and Logic Institute, Inc. All copyright infringement laws apply. Permission granted for forwarding and/or for a single photocopy or electronic reproduction of one email tip only. Please do not alter or modify. For more information, call the Love and Logic Institute, Inc. at 800-338-4065. Teachers and Parents Don't miss Jim Fay in the Madison area on Tuesday, 5/3. Register online or call 800-338-4065 for more information. Exclusive Member Discount Real World Parenting Solutions: That Prepare Kids for the Real World This week save 25% Discount price to Insider Club members only: $22.46 Regular Price $29.95 To shop our online store click on the link above, then "Add to Cart" and enter the coupon code "042711" Parenting Classes Looking for a local Love and Logic class?
Saturday, April 23, 2011
ScreamFree Parenting Tip: "If you want to see what children can do, you must stop giving them things."
Good Afternoon Screamfree-ers!
Some more reasons to "practice" being a mentor to our children or consultant parent, as Love and Logic calls it. Let's work on letting our kids struggle, just one task/activity at a time, often causing some discomfort for ourselves because we just observe rather than doing. One montessori teacher suggested, to a good mom friend of mine, to "sit on her hands" instead of getting over involved in helping her daughter. Struggling presents the opportunity for our little ones to gain confidence. Think about how you have become confident in certain areas of your life. I'll leave you with one of the guiding concepts of Love and Logic that is completely in line the Screamfree email below. "I don't become what I think I can. I don't become what you think I can. I become what I think you think I can." Happy Easter:)
Andrea
Check out my blog ~
Www.andreaparentcoach.com
Some more reasons to "practice" being a mentor to our children or consultant parent, as Love and Logic calls it. Let's work on letting our kids struggle, just one task/activity at a time, often causing some discomfort for ourselves because we just observe rather than doing. One montessori teacher suggested, to a good mom friend of mine, to "sit on her hands" instead of getting over involved in helping her daughter. Struggling presents the opportunity for our little ones to gain confidence. Think about how you have become confident in certain areas of your life. I'll leave you with one of the guiding concepts of Love and Logic that is completely in line the Screamfree email below. "I don't become what I think I can. I don't become what you think I can. I become what I think you think I can." Happy Easter:)
Andrea
Check out my blog ~
Www.andreaparentcoach.com
From: The ScreamFree Institute <info@screamfree.com>
Date: Thu, 21 Apr 2011 03:00:03 -0500 (CDT)
To: <andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>
ReplyTo: The ScreamFree Institute <info@screamfree.com>
Subject: ScreamFree Tip of the Day: The Gift that Keeps on Giving
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Sunday, April 17, 2011
L & L Course Positive Feedback
Andrea-
"Please keep offering this class and your services! I am so grateful for them. I continue to be astounded by my mom friends who react with "Why?" when I tell them I am taking a parenting class. We train for years for our professions, but then when it comes to being a parent - the hardest job we will ever have - a 24-hour, ultra demanding job that is constantly changing and evolving, we are supposed to just wing it or fall back on patterns established by our parents, who got it from their parents. That just does not make sense to me. So I am truly grateful for your support and all your help. Yes, you can include any feedback from me on your blog if it will help other parents get on board. I wish I could convince my parents, in-laws, and babysitters to take the class because we could all do so much better. Thank you so much for offering them again! Even though I made 4 out of the 5 sessions in the first series, I will make as many as I can in this second series for a refresher!"
~ Mom of a 4 & 2 year old and a former middle school teacher ~
"Please keep offering this class and your services! I am so grateful for them. I continue to be astounded by my mom friends who react with "Why?" when I tell them I am taking a parenting class. We train for years for our professions, but then when it comes to being a parent - the hardest job we will ever have - a 24-hour, ultra demanding job that is constantly changing and evolving, we are supposed to just wing it or fall back on patterns established by our parents, who got it from their parents. That just does not make sense to me. So I am truly grateful for your support and all your help. Yes, you can include any feedback from me on your blog if it will help other parents get on board. I wish I could convince my parents, in-laws, and babysitters to take the class because we could all do so much better. Thank you so much for offering them again! Even though I made 4 out of the 5 sessions in the first series, I will make as many as I can in this second series for a refresher!"
~ Mom of a 4 & 2 year old and a former middle school teacher ~
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Sat ScreamFree Tip: "Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still."
Hi Screamfree Moms ~
Looking forward to seeing you all, after our two week break, this Tuesday at 11am at Chris'. I'll be sending out an overview of our upcoming ScreamFree Parenting session tomorrow or Monday morning. The title of the session is Putting Your Oxygen Mask on First.
In the meantime, just try to be a tiny bit more patient and/or kind with yourself. Notice how you talk to yourself....is it in a critical or encouraging way. The better we treat ourselves, the better we will treat others, particularly our kids. I like the bamboo analogy of slow ,even unnoticeable, daily growth yet ultimately yielding amazing results over an extended period ~ who knew?!
So as Hal says below:
"When it comes to making any sort of lasting change, slower is oftentimes better..." Therefore instead of getting mad/frustrated at ourselves for our reactionary parenting style, take a deep breath or several and say "I'm working on it" or "next time I will be calmer". Quoting Chicken Little "Today is a New Day" has also given me a boost to recover / move forward, building on progress, rather than focusing on my mistakes. Let's keep supporting each other in taking baby steps and being realistic on how long lasting change actually takes:)
Andrea
Looking forward to seeing you all, after our two week break, this Tuesday at 11am at Chris'. I'll be sending out an overview of our upcoming ScreamFree Parenting session tomorrow or Monday morning. The title of the session is Putting Your Oxygen Mask on First.
In the meantime, just try to be a tiny bit more patient and/or kind with yourself. Notice how you talk to yourself....is it in a critical or encouraging way. The better we treat ourselves, the better we will treat others, particularly our kids. I like the bamboo analogy of slow ,even unnoticeable, daily growth yet ultimately yielding amazing results over an extended period ~ who knew?!
So as Hal says below:
"When it comes to making any sort of lasting change, slower is oftentimes better..." Therefore instead of getting mad/frustrated at ourselves for our reactionary parenting style, take a deep breath or several and say "I'm working on it" or "next time I will be calmer". Quoting Chicken Little "Today is a New Day" has also given me a boost to recover / move forward, building on progress, rather than focusing on my mistakes. Let's keep supporting each other in taking baby steps and being realistic on how long lasting change actually takes:)
Andrea
From: The ScreamFree Institute <info@screamfree.com>
Date: Fri, 15 Apr 2011 03:00:05 -0500 (CDT)
To: <andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>
ReplyTo: The ScreamFree Institute <info@screamfree.com>
Subject: ScreamFree Tip of the Day: Bamboo Baby
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Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Positive Feedback from Mom in L & L class at FMSA
Hi Andrea-
"Yes, please keep offering this class and your services! I am so grateful for them. I continue to be astounded by my mom friends who react with "Why?" when I tell them I am taking a parenting class. We train for years for our professions, but then when it comes to being a parent - the hardest job we will ever have - a 24-hour, ultra demanding job that is constantly changing and evolving, we are supposed to just wing it or fall back on patterns established by our parents, who got it from their parents. That just does not make sense to me. So I am truly grateful for your support and all your help. Yes, you can include any feedback from me on your blog if it will help other parents get on board. I wish I could convince my parents, in-laws, and babysitters to take the class because we could all do so much better. Thank you so much for offering them again! Even though I made 4 out of the 5 sessions in the first series, I will make as many as I can in this second series for a refresher!"
~ Mom of a 4 & 2 year old and a former middle school teacher ~
"Yes, please keep offering this class and your services! I am so grateful for them. I continue to be astounded by my mom friends who react with "Why?" when I tell them I am taking a parenting class. We train for years for our professions, but then when it comes to being a parent - the hardest job we will ever have - a 24-hour, ultra demanding job that is constantly changing and evolving, we are supposed to just wing it or fall back on patterns established by our parents, who got it from their parents. That just does not make sense to me. So I am truly grateful for your support and all your help. Yes, you can include any feedback from me on your blog if it will help other parents get on board. I wish I could convince my parents, in-laws, and babysitters to take the class because we could all do so much better. Thank you so much for offering them again! Even though I made 4 out of the 5 sessions in the first series, I will make as many as I can in this second series for a refresher!"
~ Mom of a 4 & 2 year old and a former middle school teacher ~
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