Love and Logic: Poor Sport

------Original Message------
From: Love and Logic Institute, Inc.
To: -AAndrea Gooldy
ReplyTo: Love and Logic Institute
Subject: Poor Sport
Sent: Apr 27, 2011 1:00 PM

To receive email from Love and Logic Institute, Inc., add reply@loveandlogicnews.com to your safe sender list. View as Web Page Subscribe Send to a Friend Love and Logic Institute, Inc. Helping Raise Responsible Kids Since 1977™ Poor Sport Dear Andrea,   Jason was having a bad day on the soccer field, yelling out criticisms to his teammates. "Settle down, Jason," warned his coach. "Give the others a break. It's not all about you. Share the ball or I'm going to have to pull you from the game."   Hearing this, Jason ran screaming at two of the other players, pushed one down and kicked the ball over the fence. Needless to say, he was pulled from the game.   The trip home was no fun for his mom as she listened to him complaining about how stupid the other kids were and how unfair the coach was treating him. All she could think about was that her son had forgotten their talks that it is more important to be a good person and a good sport than it is to be a soccer star.   The next day, Mom made phone calls to the coach and to several of the other team mothers. "I need your help to teach Jason the importance of becoming a good person rather than just a good soccer player. Would you be willing to charge Jason if he calls for rides to games? You would? Oh, thank you so much."   Mom then had a discussion with Jason. "I take you to your soccer games because it's fun for me. Your last game wasn't fun. I was embarrassed by your behavior. I will drive you to your game again some day after the coach tells me that you have become a good sport."   "How am I supposed to get to the games if you're not driving me?"   "Well, sweetie, that's something I was wondering about as well."   "I'll just get a ride with some of the other guys."   After making several calls, Jason yelled, "This is a rip off! All the other moms want to charge me to ride with them. They don't even care if the team loses! This stinks!"   Mom held the line. After several weeks and Jason having spent $20.00 on rides, the coach called with a good report and lavish thanks to this courageous mother.   The remaining games were a lot more fun for both Jason and his mother.   To learn more tips for raising respectful, responsible kids, watch our DVD Real World Parenting Solutions. For those of you in Wisconsin, I will be in the Madison area on Tuesday, 5/3. Register here or call 800-338-4065 for additional information.   Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.   Jim Fay         For helpful tips, special promotions, and event announcements, follow Love and Logic® on Twitter and become a fan on Facebook.   If we have misspelled your name, or if this isn't you, please click here to correct.   ©2011 Love and Logic Institute, Inc. All copyright infringement laws apply. Permission granted for forwarding and/or for a single photocopy or electronic reproduction of one email tip only. Please do not alter or modify. For more information, call the Love and Logic Institute, Inc. at 800-338-4065.   Teachers and Parents  Don't miss Jim Fay in the Madison area on Tuesday, 5/3. Register online or call 800-338-4065 for more information.     Exclusive Member Discount   Real World Parenting Solutions: That Prepare Kids for the Real World This week save 25%   Discount price to Insider Club members only: $22.46 Regular Price $29.95 To shop our online store click on the link above, then "Add to Cart" and enter the coupon code "042711"     Parenting Classes Looking for a local Love and Logic class? 

ScreamFree Parenting Tip: "If you want to see what children can do, you must stop giving them things."

Good Afternoon Screamfree-ers!
Some more reasons to "practice" being a mentor to our children or consultant parent, as Love and Logic calls it. Let's work on letting our kids struggle, just one task/activity at a time, often causing some discomfort for ourselves because we just observe rather than doing. One montessori teacher suggested, to a good mom friend of mine, to "sit on her hands" instead of getting over involved in helping her daughter. Struggling presents the opportunity for our little ones to gain confidence. Think about how you have become confident in certain areas of your life. I'll leave you with one of the guiding concepts of Love and Logic that is completely in line the Screamfree email below. "I don't become what I think I can. I don't become what you think I can. I become what I think you think I can." Happy Easter:)
Andrea

Check out my blog ~
Www.andreaparentcoach.com

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From: The ScreamFree Institute <info@screamfree.com>

Date: Thu, 21 Apr 2011 03:00:03 -0500 (CDT)

To: <andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>

ReplyTo: The ScreamFree Institute <info@screamfree.com>

Subject: ScreamFree Tip of the Day: The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Share with a Friend April 21, 2011 | Here's your daily parenting tip from ScreamFree "If you want to see what children can do, you must stop giving them things." -Norman Douglas, British Author (1868-1952)     Hal'sTake:   It’s an ironic twist of fate that the more things we give to our children, the less creative and self-sufficient they become with those things. I don’t claim to know why this is true, but I do know that I have seen the truth of it play out in countless families I’ve counseled and in my own. We all have good intentions when we give answers, goodies, and assistance to our children. We like to see them happy. We want them to have the things we never could. We want to give them a leg up in this harsh world. And if we’re honest, we’ll admit that sometimes it’s even less noble than that. It’s just easier to give your child something than to watch them struggle on their own without it. You want your child to learn the value of doing family chores, but the thought of fighting with junior one more time over folding the clothes just sends you off the deep end. Am I alone here? Here’s what we have to keep in mind when we are tempted to give our kids more and more. The best thing we can give our children is our confidence in them. When they can tell, through our actions, that we believe them to be creative and capable because we don’t rush to rescue them from boredom or hard work, they will start to believe in themselves. Then watch out. They’ll start doing things that neither of you thought possible. -Hal Runkel, LMFT, Author of ScreamFree Parenting and ScreamFree Marriage

© The ScreamFree Institute Inc. The ScreamFree Institute Inc., 45 Technology Parkway South, Suite 240, Norcross, GA 30092. 678-672-6410 www.screamfree.com Unsubscribe |  Forward to a Friend |  Homepage Connect With Us

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L & L Course Positive Feedback

Andrea-
"Please keep offering this class and your services! I am so grateful for them. I continue to be astounded by my mom friends who react with "Why?" when I tell them I am taking a parenting class. We train for years for our professions, but then when it comes to being a parent - the hardest job we will ever have - a 24-hour, ultra demanding job that is constantly changing and evolving, we are supposed to just wing it or fall back on patterns established by our parents, who got it from their parents. That just does not make sense to me. So I am truly grateful for your support and all your help. Yes, you can include any feedback from me on your blog if it will help other parents get on board. I wish I could convince my parents, in-laws, and babysitters to take the class because we could all do so much better. Thank you so much for offering them again! Even though I made 4 out of the 5 sessions in the first series, I will make as many as I can in this second series for a refresher!"

~ Mom of a 4 & 2 year old and a former middle school teacher ~

Sat ScreamFree Tip: "Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still."

Hi Screamfree Moms ~
Looking forward to seeing you all, after our two week break, this Tuesday at 11am at Chris'. I'll be sending out an overview of our upcoming ScreamFree Parenting session tomorrow or Monday morning. The title of the session is Putting Your Oxygen Mask on First.

In the meantime, just try to be a tiny bit more patient and/or kind with yourself. Notice how you talk to yourself....is it in a critical or encouraging way. The better we treat ourselves, the better we will treat others, particularly our kids. I like the bamboo analogy of slow ,even unnoticeable, daily growth yet ultimately yielding amazing results over an extended period ~ who knew?!

So as Hal says below:
"When it comes to making any sort of lasting change, slower is oftentimes better..." Therefore instead of getting mad/frustrated at ourselves for our reactionary parenting style, take a deep breath or several and say "I'm working on it" or "next time I will be calmer". Quoting Chicken Little "Today is a New Day" has also given me a boost to recover / move forward, building on progress, rather than focusing on my mistakes. Let's keep supporting each other in taking baby steps and being realistic on how long lasting change actually takes:)
Andrea

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From: The ScreamFree Institute <info@screamfree.com>

Date: Fri, 15 Apr 2011 03:00:05 -0500 (CDT)

To: <andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>

ReplyTo: The ScreamFree Institute <info@screamfree.com>

Subject: ScreamFree Tip of the Day: Bamboo Baby

Share with a Friend April 15, 2011 | Here's your daily parenting tip from ScreamFree "Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still." -Chinese proverb     Hal's Take:   The first step of lasting growth is to change your thinking about growth itself. Making small changes and being gentle with yourself in the process is your best bet to achieving the kind of difference you’re hoping to make. “Instant results” whether on the scale or in your home will only land you back where you don’t want to be – so think like a bamboo stalk. For the first two years after it is planted, no matter how much the gardener wants it to spread – and no matter how much care he gives it – the stalk will remain about the same. On the surface, nothing is really happening, but underground, the plant is developing shoots that will soon surface and spread like crazy. Once these shoots emerge, they have been clocked to grow up to 47” in a 24 hour period. When it comes to making any sort of lasting change, slower is oftentimes better. If you have overeaten and not exercised for 10 years, you cannot expect to change your habits and undo the damage in a couple of workouts. The same is true for parenting. If you are reversing not only years, but maybe decades of reactionary child rearing – going back to the way that you were raised – you have to be patient with yourself. Keep on keepin’ on and you’ll be amazed at where you end up. -Hal Runkel, LMFT, Author of ScreamFree Parenting and ScreamFree Marriage

© The ScreamFree Institute Inc. The ScreamFree Institute Inc., 45 Technology Parkway South, Suite 240, Norcross, GA 30092. 678-672-6410 www.screamfree.com Unsubscribe |  Forward to a Friend |  Homepage Connect With Us

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Positive Feedback from Mom in L & L class at FMSA

Hi Andrea-
"Yes, please keep offering this class and your services! I am so grateful for them. I continue to be astounded by my mom friends who react with "Why?" when I tell them I am taking a parenting class. We train for years for our professions, but then when it comes to being a parent - the hardest job we will ever have - a 24-hour, ultra demanding job that is constantly changing and evolving, we are supposed to just wing it or fall back on patterns established by our parents, who got it from their parents. That just does not make sense to me. So I am truly grateful for your support and all your help. Yes, you can include any feedback from me on your blog if it will help other parents get on board. I wish I could convince my parents, in-laws, and babysitters to take the class because we could all do so much better. Thank you so much for offering them again! Even though I made 4 out of the 5 sessions in the first series, I will make as many as I can in this second series for a refresher!"

~ Mom of a 4 & 2 year old and a former middle school teacher ~

L & L Session 4 ~ This Weds April 6th @ 930am

Greetings Love and Logic Parents!
Our next session is this Wednesday April 6th @ 930am at the FMSA library. The title of session 4 is: "Limits Create Happier Parents, Happier Kids, & Happier Families." And our final session is Wednesday April 20th so we will be skipping a week.

Looking forward to catching up with you all on what's working and what's not, especially around sharing control by giving effective choices. Remember to pick two choices that work for you, then if your child doesn't choose within 10 seconds, you choose in a calm manner. And if they choose something that was not an option, you calmly repeat the first two options, even if your child replies "it's not fair" (my son's current complaint) or "I don't like you" or "you're not my friend." Again, give the choices "do you want to wash your hands in your bathroom or the kitchen bathroom? Mommy chooses in 10 seconds if you don't." Or you can say softly "And what are your choices? You decide." This is a good time to go brain dead while repeating. Please check over your Love and Logic workbook for the short readings, ideas and exercises. How is asking your child if they want to leave now or in 5 mins working? Do you notice your child being more cooperative when you give more choices? I notice it works when I Remember to give choices but sometimes still challenging for me in the heat of the moment....luckily giving effective choices is becoming a habit for me so getting easier to think on my feet. I am grateful!

This week our session will teach:
* Why kids actually crave the same limits they seem to dislike
* How to set these limits in ways that create cooperation rather than chaos
* How to end battles over getting your kids ready to go in the morning
* Many more tools for lowering your stress level

We'll discuss Avoiding Unwinnable Battles by using Enforceable Statements ~ some of my favs;

Unenforceable: "Quit Whining!"
Enforceable: "I will listen when your words sound like mine."
Or "I listen when you use your words"

Unenforceable: "Stop being Disrespectful!"
Enforceable: "Would you like to talk more softly to me, or talk more loudly to the mirror in your room?"
One of my girlfriends has used the below successfully with her 4 1/2 year old daughter: "Do you want to stay with me using your sweet voice or go be sassy in front of the mirror in your room?"

Unenforceable: "Stop picking your nose!"
Enforceable: " I will listen to you when your finger is out of your nose"

Unenforceable:
"Use your manners!"
Enforceable: " I do things for kids that use 'please' and 'thank you' "

Unenforceable: "Get in your bed & lay down!"
Enforceable: "I read when you're laying down and quiet"

Again, asking a question or calmly requesting what you want versus yelling/demanding, changes the dynamic preventing the defensive, flight or flight reaction. And it also creates an opportunity for our children to think. If nothing else, it confuses or catches them off guard instead of getting them angry and/or defiant.

Parenting Thought for the Day : Less is More...
"The more words we use with a misbehaving child, the less effective we become."

* GREAT Parents keep their enforceable statements short and sweet *

Yes this saying less/zipping it, is very hard for me!! I try to take deep breaths instead of talking more or repeating softly "hmm" or "I know". Taking Loving action (aka giving logical consequences) instead of lecturing, yelling, threatening, etc allow our children to learn from their mistakes. And giving the EMPATHY First preserves our relationship because the bad choices become the bad guy instead of us.

Please share any effective choices that are working for you!

See you this Wednesday:)
Andrea

Andrea L Gooldy, M.S.
Relationship Counselor
Parent Coach & Workshop Facilitator
Independent Love and Logic Facilitator 'Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun!'
Certified Screamfree Parenting Leader
AndreaParentCoach@gmail.com
404-932-9393
Check out the latest on my Blog!
www.andreaparentcoach.com
www.andreagooldy.com

ScreamFree Tip: "...It is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings."

Hi Screamfree Moms!
This one hits close to home for me. So much easier and quicker, in the short term, to do for my son instead of teaching him, patiently and calmly, how to do things for himself. For example, when we get home from school, I often just carry his jacket, water bottle & lunch box out of the car instead of asking him to do it or if he refuses or ignores me, saying something like: "Boys who help put their stuff away get to play outside for 10 mins or play inside with their blocks" or "Feel free to play as soon as you've put your lunch box and water bottle on the counter. Can you do it alone or do want me to help you?" So, this afternoon, I am going to prep him on way home by giving him my expectations (prior to his flying out of car as soon as park in garage) and then follow through if he doesn't carry his things inside instead of just doing it myself. And if I forget, I'll have another chance to practice tomorrow!
During our two week break, please reach out to me and the group or just me with updates, challenges, successes, etc. Remember, we all need support, and encouragement as well fresh ideas from other parents who aren't attached/so close to the situation like we are. Additionally, it's beneficial for our children to see us asking for help and still learning because no one has all the answers; except maybe those that don't have children yet!
Thank you for reading!
Andrea

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From: The ScreamFree Institute <info@screamfree.com>

Date: Mon, 4 Apr 2011 03:00:33 -0500 (CDT)

To: <andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>

ReplyTo: The ScreamFree Institute <info@screamfree.com>

Subject: ScreamFree Tip of the Day: Forget Jeeves, Just Ask Mom or Dad

Share with a Friend April 4, 2011 | Here's your daily parenting tip from ScreamFree "What the vast majority of U.S. children needs is to stop being pampered, stop being indulged, stop being chauffeured, stop being catered to. In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings." -Ann Landers, U.S. advice columnist (1918-2002) Jenny's Take:   We live such hectic lives that more often than not, it is easier (and much faster) for us to do small things for our children instead of allowing them to learn those things along the road of self-sufficiency. I am as guilty as the next person for this very vice. Just last night, Hannah sat down to finish a homework assignment without the book she needed. All it took was one whiny word from her about it, and I was off and running to fetch her bookbag. I shoved it to her in frustration, thinking, “Why doesn’t she do anything for herself?” I should be looking for opportunities to expand her independence, even though it takes an exponential amount of time and effort to do so. I should ignore her complaints about having to do things for herself, because deep down, we both know it’s better for her in the long run. -Jenny Runkel, Director Content & Co-author of ScreamFree Marriage

© The ScreamFree Institute Inc. The ScreamFree Institute Inc., 45 Technology Parkway South, Suite 240, Norcross, GA 30092. 678-672-6410 www.screamfree.com Unsubscribe |  Forward to a Friend |  Homepage Connect With Us

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Happy Friday Screamfree Sista Quote:

"For every minute you are angry (worrying, feeling guilty, frustrated, focusing on what's wrong/what's missing, criticizing yourself or others) you lose sixty seconds of happiness." Ralph Waldo Emerson ~ Here's to a Moment of Gratitude and Calm:D

The "Uh Oh song"

Steps for the "Uh Oh song" (from pages 74-75 in 'Love and Logic' Magic for Early Childhood ~ Practical Parenting from birth to 6 years old)

1. Instead of making threats or giving warnings, sing, "Uh-oh" and take action. ~ Maybe you'll carry your child into the bedroom and say, "Looks like you need a little bedroom time." Or maybe you'll take away an offending object and say calmly, "All gone!" Whatever action you'll take begins with "Uh-oh!" Why? Because singing this simple song really communicates, "You're such a great kid, and I am such a great parent that I can handle you without yelling, without frowning, and without stressing myself out." Parents also report that singing, "Uh-oh" also helps them stay calm.
* Please note: this technique is not for infants and very young children who are crying or acting out because they have a need that must be fulfilled (hungry, diaper needs to be changed, tired so needs nap, doesn't feel well, etc)
When a child has a basic need, meet it instead of punishing or ignoring your child! The "Uh-oh" song is designed to limit children's wants, not deprive them of what they need.*

2. Gently lead or carry your child to his or her room. ~ Make the room safe ahead if time. Wise parents remove anything that they don't want broken.

3. Give your child a choice about the door. ~ "Do you need the door shut, or open?" If a child comes out before she's ready, then shut the door and make sure that it stays shut. Turn the lock around. Put a towel on top of the door; wedge it tightly so she isn't strong enough to pull it open. Put a latch on the outside. Whatever is safe and easily done. Remember to stay just outside the door (but no talking through the door:).

4. Say, "Feel free to come out when you're acting sweet." ~ Don't let your child out until she is calm. Some kids need temporarily extended time limits. In fact, some children, the first few times using this technique, will need to be in the room for more than hour. It's okay to check on child from time to time, but a kid really needs to stay in there until she's ready to behave. Parents using this technique report that the time required begins to shorten very quickly if they remain consistent.
* Most kids are smart enough to figure out the misbehavior doesn't pay. There may be an extended initial period of adjustment, but that behavior usually starts to fade out rather rapidly - as long as parents don't interact with a child while he or she is in the room. The best way to make this technique backfire is to use too many words.*

5. Do not lecture or remind when your child is ready to come out.
~ This is the time to give a Big Hug and move on with your day. If your child acts up again in a few minutes, just sing "Uh-oh" and repeat the technique. Some kids require more than one or two trips when they're first learning about "Uh-oh". Don't sweat it. That's normal.

6. HAVE FUN with your kids when they're behaving. ~ In order for this technique, do you think it might be smart to have a lot of fun with your kids when they're behaving? Some kids love to go to their room because it gets them away from a nasty parent.

¤ Be Silly with your kids. Have Fun! Partake in the Joy. Then, when they misbehave, all the fun shuts down. You're not angry and you don't yell, but you are very boring when their behavior turns sour. Teach them that a life of misbehavior is pretty dull. ¤