Our next session is this Wednesday April 6th @ 930am at the FMSA library. The title of session 4 is: "Limits Create Happier Parents, Happier Kids, & Happier Families." And our final session is Wednesday April 20th so we will be skipping a week.
Looking forward to catching up with you all on what's working and what's not, especially around sharing control by giving effective choices. Remember to pick two choices that work for you, then if your child doesn't choose within 10 seconds, you choose in a calm manner. And if they choose something that was not an option, you calmly repeat the first two options, even if your child replies "it's not fair" (my son's current complaint) or "I don't like you" or "you're not my friend." Again, give the choices "do you want to wash your hands in your bathroom or the kitchen bathroom? Mommy chooses in 10 seconds if you don't." Or you can say softly "And what are your choices? You decide." This is a good time to go brain dead while repeating. Please check over your Love and Logic workbook for the short readings, ideas and exercises. How is asking your child if they want to leave now or in 5 mins working? Do you notice your child being more cooperative when you give more choices? I notice it works when I Remember to give choices but sometimes still challenging for me in the heat of the moment....luckily giving effective choices is becoming a habit for me so getting easier to think on my feet. I am grateful!
This week our session will teach:
* Why kids actually crave the same limits they seem to dislike
* How to set these limits in ways that create cooperation rather than chaos
* How to end battles over getting your kids ready to go in the morning
* Many more tools for lowering your stress level
We'll discuss Avoiding Unwinnable Battles by using Enforceable Statements ~ some of my favs;
Unenforceable: "Quit Whining!"
Enforceable: "I will listen when your words sound like mine."
Or "I listen when you use your words"
Unenforceable: "Stop being Disrespectful!"
Enforceable: "Would you like to talk more softly to me, or talk more loudly to the mirror in your room?"
One of my girlfriends has used the below successfully with her 4 1/2 year old daughter: "Do you want to stay with me using your sweet voice or go be sassy in front of the mirror in your room?"
Unenforceable: "Stop picking your nose!"
Enforceable: " I will listen to you when your finger is out of your nose"
Unenforceable:
"Use your manners!"
Enforceable: " I do things for kids that use 'please' and 'thank you' "
Unenforceable: "Get in your bed & lay down!"
Enforceable: "I read when you're laying down and quiet"
Again, asking a question or calmly requesting what you want versus yelling/demanding, changes the dynamic preventing the defensive, flight or flight reaction. And it also creates an opportunity for our children to think. If nothing else, it confuses or catches them off guard instead of getting them angry and/or defiant.
Parenting Thought for the Day : Less is More...
"The more words we use with a misbehaving child, the less effective we become."
* GREAT Parents keep their enforceable statements short and sweet *
Yes this saying less/zipping it, is very hard for me!! I try to take deep breaths instead of talking more or repeating softly "hmm" or "I know". Taking Loving action (aka giving logical consequences) instead of lecturing, yelling, threatening, etc allow our children to learn from their mistakes. And giving the EMPATHY First preserves our relationship because the bad choices become the bad guy instead of us.
Please share any effective choices that are working for you!
See you this Wednesday:)
Andrea
Andrea L Gooldy, M.S.
Relationship Counselor
Parent Coach & Workshop Facilitator
Independent Love and Logic Facilitator 'Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun!'
Certified Screamfree Parenting Leader
AndreaParentCoach@gmail.com
404-932-9393
Check out the latest on my Blog!
www.andreaparentcoach.com
www.andreagooldy.com
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