"NurtureShock" New Thinking About Children

Hi class,

Finally, here is information/cliff notes on the book I shared about during a couple of our L & L sessions, particularly regarding the inverse power of praise and how our goal is help our children learn to self-evaluate, self-correct, and, ultimately, self-validate. Plus, how telling our children they are 'smart' can actually cause them to give up sooner and put less effort into an activity. Most effective way to encourage, is to highlight their effort, how much they practiced, how they focused, that they persisted, how hard they tried, etc. 

Bottomline, being smart is not a controllable factor, but how much one works, practices, studies, trains, IS something we can control! 

"NurtureShock" New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman. Love to discuss with you as you read. It's more like a textbook. You can read from start to finish or pick and choose the chapters that seem more relevant to your child/ren. Please let me know if anyone starts reading. Would be a great parenting book club book 📚

The central premise of this book is that many of modern society's strategies for nurturing children are in fact backfiring - because key twists in the science of child development have been overlooked. Per the authors of the book, the goal of this book is to teach us to "think differently--more deeply and clearly--about children." The book has chapters devoted to: the inverse power of praise, confidence, sleep, lying, racial attitudes, intelligence, sibling conflict, teen rebellion, self-control, aggression, gratitude and the acquisition of language. 

WHY kids Lie: early lying experiences and parents reactions affect lying. "The irony of lying is that it's both normal and abnormal behavior at the same time. It's to be expected, and yet it can't be disregarded." Per Dr Victoria Talwar from Montreal, one of the world's leading experts on children's behavior: Children often lie to make us happy and to please us. The researchers suggest reading 'George Washington and the Cherry Tree' because Little George receives both immunity and praise for telling the truth. In this book George confesses to his father that he chopped down the prized tree with his new hatchet, the story ends with his father replying: "George, I'm glad that you cut down that cherry tree after all. Hearing you tell the truth is better than if I had a thousand cherry trees." Apparently reading this story reduced lying significantly in both boys and girls. Per Talwar, it's imperative to teach kids the worth of honesty just as much as they need to say lying is wrong.  And the other reason children lie, they learn to lie from us. Pg 87: Based on adults journaling their own lies, "they admit to about one lie per every 5 social interactions" so about one per day on average. Our children learn that honesty often leads to conflict and dishonesty can help avoid conflict. 

PG 91: Talwar states that parents often entrap their kids, putting them in a position to lie and testing their honesty unnecessarily. IE: Po Bronson knew 3 1/2 year old daughter scribbled with washable marker on dining table yet asked her in a disapproving tone if she did. Result: daughter lied to him for the first time.

Also, in this chapter, the researchers find that lying is a sign of a "both advanced cognitive development and social skills that honesty simply doesn't require...." 

Bad news is, per Nurture Shock, if we just let the lies go, thinking it's a phase that kids will grow out of. It's not ~ the truth is, kids grow into it. 

Happy reading & learning!! Please keep in touch. Hoping to have some fall parenting class dates very soon:)

Andrea 

Andrea L Gooldy

Parent Educator and Coach

404-932-9393 

"Uh Oh Song" ~ A Detailed Description

Hi class ~ 

As I mentioned during our session today, here are Instructions on the "Uh Oh Song", how to use and reasons behind. Please email with additional questions after you read this or challenges implementing with your kiddies.

It takes awhile to get comfortable using this strategy, so just keep practicing and it will become easier. You will figure out how best to adapt to your style and your families'. You may only have to use once in awhile, because it is so effective. There are always a ton of questions about this tool so I have written out. Probably best to print out this long email / short book so can put in your workbook to have to refer back to. Can you tell I am a detailed person that can't leave anything out?? LOL

As a side note, for any of you with younger ones that are still in the highchair, if child bites you, grabs your hair, you can use "Looks like you need a little crib time." And if she throws her food or keeps purposely dropping her sippy cup or bottle, you can say "Uh-oh", food "All Gone"or just "All Gone" and take food or drink away, in a loving way, then baby down from highchair. So food up and baby down! Again, it's in a calm, non-angry voice. Remember, remove the offending object. Start with food, sippy cup, toy, ball, etc first vs removing the child unless you really need a break. Always good to mention, especially if child having a fit, that she can try again later or tomorrow.....

 

The "Uh-oh" Song is a Powerful technique for setting limits with young children. When children misbehave, parents need something they can do to respond, and the more consistent they are in there response, the faster it ingrains itself in the child. The "Uh-oh" was created to give parents one catchall response to all attacks on their peace and allows them to respond without anger or threats. It's tone should be devoid of any sarcasm or impatience and almost sung when said to keep any negative emotions out of it. It doesn't take long for even a toddler to get the message that when the "Uh-oh" Song is sung, WHATEVER behavior has just happened was not one Mommy or Daddy approved of and that loving intervention is on it's way.  

Steps for the "Uh Oh song" 

{from pages 74-75 in 'Love and Logic' Magic for Early Childhood ~ Practical Parenting from birth to 6 years old}

1. Instead of making threats or giving warnings, sing, "Uh-oh" and take action ~ Maybe you'll carry your child into the bedroom and say, "Looks like you need a little bedroom time or private time to pull yourself together." Or "Looks like you need a little crib time or playpen time." Or maybe you'll take away an offending object and say calmly, "All gone!" Whatever action you'll take begins with "Uh-oh!" Why? Because singing this simple song really communicates, "You're such a great kid, and I am such a great parent that I can handle you without yelling, without frowning, and without stressing myself out." Parents also report that singing, "Uh-oh" also helps them stay calm. 

* Please note: this technique is not for infants and very young children who are crying or acting out because they have a need that must be fulfilled (hungry, diaper needs to be changed, tired so needs nap, doesn't feel well, etc)

When a child has a basic need, meet it instead of punishing or ignoring your child! The "Uh-oh" song is designed to limit children's wants, not deprive them of what they need.* 

2. Gently lead or carry your child to his or her room ~ Make the room safe ahead if time. Wise parents remove anything that they don't want broken. 

3. Give your child a choice about the door ~ "Do you need the door shut, or open?" If a child comes out before she's ready, then shut the door and make sure that it stays shut. Turn the lock around. Put a towel on top of the door; wedge it tightly so she isn't strong enough to pull it open. Put a latch on the outside. Whatever is safe and easily done. Remember to stay just outside the door (but no talking through the door:).

 

4. Say, "Feel free to come out when you're acting sweet " ~ Don't let your child out until she is calm. Some kids need temporarily extended time limits. In fact, some children, the first few times using this technique, will need to be in the room for more than hour. It's okay to check on child from time to time, but a kid really needs to stay in there until she's ready to behave. Parents using this technique report that the time required begins to shorten very quickly if they remain consistent. 

* Most kids are smart enough to figure out the misbehavior doesn't pay. There may be an extended initial period of adjustment, but that behavior usually starts to fade out rather rapidly - as long as parents don't interact with a child while he or she is in the room. The best way to make this technique backfire is to use too many words.*

5. Do not lecture or remind when your child is ready to come out. 

~ This is the time to give a Big Hug and move on with your day. If your child acts up again in a few minutes, just sing "Uh-oh" and repeat the technique. Some kids require more than one or two trips when they're first learning about "Uh-oh". Don't sweat it. That's normal. 

6. HAVE FUN with your kids when they're behaving ~ In order for this technique to work, do you think it might be smart to have a lot of fun with your kids when they're behaving? Some kids love to go to their room because it gets them away from a nasty parent. 

¤ Be Silly with your kids. Have Fun! Partake in the Joy. Then, when they misbehave, all the fun shuts down. You're not angry and you don't yell, but you are very boring when their behavior turns sour. Teach them that a life of misbehavior is pretty dull. ¤

Thank you for reading!

Andrea=) 

Andrea L Gooldy, M.S.

Relationship Counselor

Parent Educator, Coach & Workshop Facilitator 

Independent Love and Logic Facilitator 'Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun!'

Certified Screamfree Parenting  Leader 

AndreaParentCoach@gmail.com

404-932-9393 

Www.sunshineparenting.com

Andrea L Gooldy

Parent Educator and Coach

404-932-9393 

quick trick: how to eliminate bickering

Calendar for taking turns ~

http://teachmama.com/quick-trick-how-to-eliminate-bickering/


Sent from my iPhone

Parenting the L & L Way ~ Tomorrow Session 4 : Av

Evening L & L Parents,
Come find out tomorrow how we can actually gain more control by giving some of it away. I am anxious to hear how your last 2 weeks, or 3 weeks have been. Plus, if anyone has been listening to the CD's I have loaned out. I love hearing what you get from listening on your own. In Friday's session, we will learn more tips for setting limits without going to war. The main two benefits of giving choices :
1 - Doing so ups the odds of cooperation from our kids.
2 - It gives them plenty of decision making practice.

"When we try to hoard control, we lose it. When we share control, we gain it."

Please make note of our remaining session dates: May 2nd, May 13th and May 23rd
May 2nd : Session 5
May 23rd : Session 6
*** Extra session for make-up videos Tues May 13th ***

Rules for Providing Choices:
* Only give choices that fit your value system.
* Give 99% of choices when things are going smoothly.
* Give choices before your child becomes resistant.
* For each choice, give two options, each of which you like.
* Don't be afraid to say, "I usually get choices, but not this time."
* If your child doesn't choose very quickly, choose for him or her.

Some examples of effective choices:
> Will you be wearing your coat or carrying it?
> Are you going to take a shower or a bath?
> Will you be brushing your top teeth first or your bottom ones first?
> Do you want the blue sippy cup or the red one?
> Do you want to leave the playground in two mins or in five minutes?
> Do you prefer to walk next to me while we shop or sit in the shopping cart / stroller?
> I can pay for these clothes or you can pay for the designer ones. It's your choice.

"Never tell a stubborn child what to do.
Instead, describe what you are willing to do or allow."

Cheers,
Andrea

L & L session 3 ~ Tomorrow Fri 9:15 AM at "Setting Limits Without Waging War" at Springmont

Don't Confuse the "Uh, Oh, Song" with Time-Out

Hi L & L parents, 

We will be going over the "uh oh song" tomorrow, which is described below as well as differentiated from a time out. Please note you can listen, vs read, the below parenting tip. Did any of you sign up via www.loveandlogic.com to receive weekly emails? There is also a 25% off special going on in case you want to get a cd, or download. In addition to the "uh oh song," we will learn about enforceable statements and strategic training sessions. Hope to see the majority of you, who are not away on Spring Break. Also, please bring back the CD's, if done listening. If not, you are welcome to keep until our next session, in two weeks. Any feedback on experimenting with the energy drain technique? I have a great cd on that. By the way, graduates welcome for Free, and a couple spots available for a drop in session ($20 for 2 hr session). 

Cheers,

Andrea 

Begin forwarded message:

From: "Love and Logic Institute, Inc." <user-8981@golfmnb.com>
Date: April 9, 2014 at 12:32:46 PM EDT
To: "Andrea Gooldy" <andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>
Subject: Don't Confuse the "Uh, Oh, Song" with Time-Out
Reply-To: "No Reply" <noreply@loveandlogic.com>

Writing about two-year-old twins, one of our followers says, "It seems lately that the tools we have used in the past are just not relating to them anymore. Our version of the 'Uh, Oh, Song' and removing them from a situation (time-out) is not relating to them these past two weeks. With them everything is, 'No.' Any suggestions?"   The solution to this problem is the consistent use of the "Uh, Oh, Song" applied exactly as prescribed instead of a version of the technique.   If you find it not being effective, ask yourself the following questions: Am I actually singing instead of talking? Singing "Uh, oh," instead of saying it indicates that the problem is the child's problem, not the parent's problem. Is the child staying away from the family until perfectly calm, regardless of the amount of time it takes? Am I using the egg timer after the child proves to be calm? Is the "egg timer time" adequate? In the event that the process doesn't seem to get the desired results, lengthen the amount of "egg timer time." Strong-willed children often need more time.  Many parents confuse the "Uh, Oh, Song" with "time-out." However, the above elements are not included in "time-out" and that is the reason why it has limited effectiveness.   The "Uh, Oh, Song" includes a number of solid psychological concepts, and was developed to: Help parents establish themselves as loving authority figures. Help parents establish loving limits and boundaries. Help parents simplify their job. Use this technique for every undesirable behavior. It even should be used for misbehaviors that no child has dreamed up yet. And it should definitely be applied when a youngster says, "No!" Use with children ages 1 to 5. Hear the "Uh, Oh, Song," modeled on the audio CD or download, Toddlers and Pre-Schoolers.   Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.   Jim Fay   2013 - 2014 Events Don't miss Jim Fay & Dr. Charles Fay in Boise, ID on Thursday, 4/17 or Jedd Hafer in Charlotte, NC on Tuesday, 4/22 Graduate-level credit and CEUs are available. Register online or call 800-338-4065. Exclusive Member Discount   This week save 25%       Toddlers and Pre-Schoolers (CD or download)   Discount price to Insider Club members only: $16.46 Regular Price $21.95   To shop our online store click on the link above, then click "Add to Cart" and enter the coupon code "040914" Build this summer's family vacation around the: Love and Logic Educator & Parent Retreat This June join us at Copper Mountain Resort, one of America's favorite get-a-ways, offering fun-filled activities for the whole family. Visit this page or call 800-338-4065 for more information.   For helpful tips, special promotions, and event announcements, join Love and Logic® on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and YouTube. Funny Parenting Stories and Funny Stories from the Classroom: amusing audios available for your listening pleasure, compliments of Love and Logic. Visit this page to download and enjoy.   © 2013 Love and Logic Institute, Inc. All copyright infringement laws apply. Permission granted for forwarding and/or for a single photocopy or electronic reproduction of one email tip only. Please do not alter or modify. For more information, call the Love and Logic Institute, Inc. at 800-338-4065.   View as Web Page

Love and Logic Institute, Inc.  •  2207 Jackson St  •  Golden, CO 80401 http://www.loveandlogic.com

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What Is Parenting with Love and Logic?

"I don't understand it. The techniques my parents used so effectively just don't seem to work with kids today." Does this statement sound familiar to you? A lot of parents today are wondering what to do with their kids and are frustrated because the old techniques just don't seem to get the job done.

Parents want to enjoy their kids, have fun with them, and enjoy a less stressful family life. But even if their kids are trouble-free right now, they fear what the coming teenage years will bring.

At no time in history have parents been more unsure of their parental role. Even the best are not all that sure about whether they are using the best techniques. They say that their kids don't appear to be much like the ones they knew in years past.

A lot of conflicting philosophies have been presented over the last 30 years. Many of these sound good, but don't seem to do the job of helping children become respectful, responsible, and a joy to be around.

Many ideas, offered with the best of intentions, center around making sure that kids are comfortable and feeling good about themselves in order to have a good self-concept. However, we have discovered that self-confidence is achieved through struggle and achievement, not through someone telling you that you are number one. Self-confidence is not developed when kids are robbed of the opportunity to discover that they can indeed solve their own problems with caring adult guidance.

There is, however, an approach to raising kids that provides loving support from parents

There is, however, an approach to raising kids that provides loving support from parents while at the same time expecting kids to be respectful and responsible.

This approach is known as Love and Logic, a philosophy founded by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D., and based on the experience of a combined total of over 75 years working with and raising kids.

Many parents want their kids to be well prepared for life, and they know this means kids will make mistakes and must be held accountable for those mistakes. But these parents often fail to hold the kids accountable for poor decisions because they are afraid the kids will see their parents as being mean. The result is they often excuse bad behavior, finding it easier to hold others, including themselves, accountable for their children's irresponsibility.

Jim Fay teaches us that we should "lock in our empathy, love, and understanding" prior to telling kids what the consequences of their actions will be. The Parenting the Love and Logic Way^™ curriculum teaches parents how to hold their kids accountable in this special way. This Love and Logic method causes the child to see their parent as the "good guy" and the child's poor decision as the "bad guy." When done on a regular basis, kids develop an internal voice that says, "I wonder how much pain I'm going to cause for myself with my next decision?" Kids who develop this internal voice become more capable of standing up to peer pressure.

What more could a parent want? Isn't that a great gift to give your child? Parent child relationships are enhanced, family life becomes less strained, and we have time to enjoy our kids instead of either feeling used by them or being transformed from parent to policeman.

The Love and Logic technique in action sounds like this:

Dad: "Oh, no. You left your bike unlocked and it was stolen. What a bummer. I bet you feel awful. Well, I understand how easy it is to make a mistake like that." (Notice that the parent is not leading with anger, intimidation, or threats.)

Dad then adds, "And you'll have another bike as soon as you can earn enough money to pay for it. I paid for the first one. You can pay for the additional ones."

Love and Logic parents know that no child is going to accept this without an argument, but Love and Logic parents can handle arguments. Jim Fay advises "just go brain dead." This means that parents don't try to argue or match wits with the child. They simply repeat, as many times as necessary, "I love you too much to argue." No matter what argument the child uses, the parent responds "I love you too much to argue." Parents who learn how to use these techniques completely change, for the better, their relationships with kids and take control of the home in loving ways.

Love and Logic : The Energy Drain

Hi again class,

Sorry to send so many emails in the last 24 hrs. Here is another video describing the energy drain strategy. Please share with your spouse, with friends, with family....Stephanie, we will miss you tonight, but glad you are taking care of yourself and listening to your body. Please keep us updated regarding baby's arrival, which is scheduled for Friday. Julie, please rest and recover from your procedure. Best thing we can do for our kiddos is practice self-care, which both of you are doing. I encourage you to verbalize to your children that you are staying home to rejuvenate and heal, even though you would like to be out. It's modeling healthy choices and by saying out loud, we are teaching those around us! Michelle, notice how I mentioned your 'hangry' below? Thanks for sharing!! 

See some of you this evening for our last session. 

Andrea 

Begin forwarded message:

From: YouTube <noreply@youtube.com>
Date: February 25, 2014 at 1:11:13 PM EST
To: andreagooldy@gmail.com
Subject: AndreaParentCoach@gmail.com sent you a video: "Dr. Charles Fay explains generic consequences"

AndreaParentCoach@gmail.com has shared a video with you on YouTube Have you ever found it difficult to come up with a logical consequence...even after giving yourself some time to think? Parenting becomes a lot less stressful...and a lot more Fun...when we can fall back on delaying consequences when things get tough. Especially if we and/or our kids are hungry, angry, lonely, tired or sick/stressed (HALTS). Just last week, one of my parenting class participants shared a good description of what it can look like when our kids are hungry = Hangry!!! Low blood sugar can cause anyone's mood, especially our little ones, and even ours, to become cranky or 'hangry.' Please watch this 4 min video to learn about the an effective tool, called the Energy Drain, which is perfect for an appropriate consequence when nothing else comes to mind. Listen to end of video for a funny story. Dr. Charles Fay explains generic consequences by LoveandLogic1 Dr. Charles Fay explains how to use generic consequences and the "Energy Drain" technique when a logical consequence is difficult to find. This clip is taken from the DVD "Painless Parenting for the Preschool Years." We'll be coming to a city near you. Here are some upcoming event locations: Middleton, WI; Livonia, MI; Phoenix, AZ; Overland Park, KS; Sioux Falls, SD; Midwest City, OK; Atlanta, GA; Newport Beach, CA; Portland, OR; Stafford, TX; West Valley City, UT; Arvada, CO; Casper, WY; Nampa, ID. Call us at 800-338-4065 for more information or visit loveandlogic.com. Join our FREE Insider's Club for weekly tips, events, and promotions: http://bit.ly/Ainfy Help center • Email options • Report spam ©2014 YouTube, LLC 901 Cherry Ave, San Bruno, CA 94066