Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Love and Logic: The Energy Drain

Here's a generic consequence when you're unsure what to do about the lying, hitting, sassy'ing back, spitting, yelling, throwing, biting, delaying going nite nite or getting ready in the am, quarreling with sibling or friend, etc. I've had some success using it with Christopher when he's being disrespectful. He's replaced my energy by vacuuming with the hand vac & cleaning baseboards with the costco baby wipes!! Remember to lower your expectations of how well they clean up for you, fold your clothes....The main point is that they are helping & learning how to do chores even if not up to your standards, especially you perfectionists out there like me!! Let me know how the Energy Drain works for you. AS with all new parenting strategies, we need to practice it again and again! Good Luck! FYI, we go over the Energy Drain in Session #5 of the Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun! Class. Thanks for Reading! For more Love and Logic, go to www.loveandlogic.com and click on free resources. They have tons of articles for all ages and all kinds of misbehavior. Also have some articles translated into Spanish. Thx! Andrea


LOVE AND LOGIC® SOLUTIONS

What to Do When an Appropriate Consequence is Hard to Find

by Dr. Charles Fay

The “Energy Drain” approach was created to give adults a practical way of creating logical consequences

that teach responsibility. Simply stated, the child (or teen) is required to replace energy “drained”

from the adult by their misbehavior.



Step 1:

Deliver a strong dose of sincere empathy.

This is so sad.

Step 2:

Notify the youngster that their misbehavior drained your energy.

Oh sweetie. When you lie to me (or almost any other misbehavior) , it drains energy right out of me.

Step 3:

Ask how he or she plans to replace the energy.

How are you planning to put that energy back?

Step 4:

If you hear, “I don’t know,” offer some payback options.

Some kids decide to do some of their mom’s chores? How would that work?

Some kids decide to hire and pay for a babysitter—so their parents can go out and relax. How would that work?

Step 5:

If the child completes the chores, thank them and don’t lecture

Thanks so much! I really appreciate it.

Step 6:

If the child refuses or forgets, don’t warn or remind.

Remember: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!

Step 7:

As a last resort, go on strike OR sell a toy to pay for the drain.

What a bummer. I just don’t think I have the energy to take you to Silly Willie’s Fun Park this weekend.

OR…

What a bummer. You forgot to do those chores. No problem. I sold your Mutant Death Squad action figure to

pay for a babysitter tonight.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Thought for the Day on Growing UP

Thanks to GG, Grandma Grace, for forwarding the below quote from life coach Stan Cutherell's blog. Now that GG is 70 as of last wk, wonder if she feels grown up? Is growing up about forgiveness of others and ultimately oneself? I think so......what do you think.....

“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise” -Alden Nowlan

L & L Session # 2 : " Teaching Kids to Listen the First Time"

I'm looking forward to our 2nd class! And to sharing & discussing how the parenting strategies have been working or not working. It's a great time to tweak if not as effective as you'd like to be in using certain parenting tools.

This week our session will teach:
* Why giving repeated warnings is SO damaging to children
* Simple techniques for getting your kids to behave without having to lecture, threaten, bribe, or spank
* Tips for putting an end to misbehavior in public
* How to lower your blood pressure and have more fun!

Remember when trying these new techniques, you're going to make mistakes, just like our kids. Please try to be Patient w/yourself. If you can't be, call or email me or one of us in the group or another supportive friend.

As the montessori approach teaches, it's the Process that's important instead of the Result. Keep practicing & learning what works for you & your family and what doesn't!! And to focus on & acknowledge the Effort (both ours & our kids, spouses, etc) rather than the Outcome.....
All this sounds easy in theory but we all know challenging to put into practice. So, I guess developing empathy for kids and for ourselves is crucial. Let's support each other in building our empathy muscle.

How's your empathetic statement working?? Are you noticing your empathy diffusing or soaking up your child's emotion? I realize now that when my child or anyone for that matter is "drunk on emotion", using lectures, anger, warnings, sarcasm are basically like throwing gasoline on a fire!

Enjoy the rest of your wknd!
Thank you ! Andrea=)

Review of L & L Session # 1 and Check-in

Good morning Moms!
From Session 1, Empathy is the most important skill. Empathy is learned so we can develop it. As I noted in class, empathy CHANGES brain chemistry by soaking up emotion thus preventing fight-or-flight reactions. None of us learn too well from the consequences of our actions when we are "drunk on emotion."

* BY Delivering A STRONG DOSE OF EMPATHY Before Delivering Consequences, we can help our little ones THINK & LEARN from their mistakes. * The goal is to have our kiddies thinking more than we are....even if that means delaying consequences until we're calmer and are able to come up w/an appropriate consequence w/o anger, lectures, etc. I'm curious what momma D came up with for daughter L's scratching outburst / meltdown.

~ Here's to our contributing to more Empathy in the world!! And even getting some back :D ~

What's your empathetic statement?? "I know" is working best for me w/both my son & my hubby. How's your empathetic statement working for you? Is anyone using "I Love you too much to argue? " Notice different results from using empathy vs lectures, anger, warnings, sarcasm.....

Please do a reading or two in workbook or an exercise (I have my workbook in my car so I often read a page or two while sitting in carpool line), listen to your cd's, even if for 5-10 mins, to keep learning & formulating Your gameplan. Think emailing is an effective tool to pause, brainstorm & gain encouragement. So pls keep the emails coming w/progress, mistakes, frustrations, successes, questions, etc.

Thank you for investing in yourselves and your families! Andrea=)

Monday, March 8, 2010

Two Simple Ways to Be a Happier Parent

Thanks to Debbie Granvsky, The Screamfree Lady, for forwarding me the below article.....definitely some food for thought. I am still contemplating two questions below although I know the answers but am i willing to make the changes required to decrease suffering & increase happiness????
1. When are you happiest with your kids?

I am happiest with my son when I am fully engaged and present with him which usually means I am out of my house and have my blackberry in a time-out

2. What part of the normal day with your family routinely causes suffering?

Most definitely our night time routine or lack of routine....

Two Simple Wayst to be a Happier Parent by By Nancy Shute , USNews.com

When Christine Carter became a parent, she realized that her work as a sociologist who studies happiness gave her a head start on being a good and happy parent. Rather than trying to solve problems in her family, she wanted to prevent them. That got her wondering what makes for happy families and children. The result of that questioning is Raising Happiness (Ballantine Books).

The book is chock-full of words—gratitude, forgiveness, optimism, and inner peace—I associate more with meditation than parenting manuals. But it's not at all woo-woo. Carter grounds her path to happiness in solid science, including behavioral psychology, which explains why praise is much more powerful in getting children to behave than punishment or nagging. Many of the findings are surprisingly simple. For instance, would you like to know the one thing that will make children do better in school, help them have fewer emotional problems, and make them less likely to become obese or have drug or alcohol problems? Eat dinner together as a family.

Science and simplicity in the service of happier families: That sounds like a winner. So I called up Carter, executive director of the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California-Berkeley, and asked her how I could start making my own family happier.

She said to start off by asking two questions about your life as a parent:

1. When are you happiest with your kids?

2. What part of the normal day with your family routinely causes suffering?

Then make sure your day is structured so that you get routine, habitual happiness and so that you're eliminating habitual pain.

Carter says that when she asked herself the second question, she realized that she hated getting her two daughters out the door for school. "Every single morning I was yelling at my kids [at] approximately the same time and for the same reason," she says.

So she decided to restructure those mornings so they'd be a shared joy, or at least neutral. The science of changing habits says you have to start off supersmall and build over weeks to a bigger result. So she had the kids put their shoes by the door the night before. In the morning, "I ended up setting a timer," Carter says. "It goes off twice. The first time it goes off, it means clear your dishes and go brush your teeth. The second is walk out the door to the bus." By the next morning, she says, "we didn't have such a bad morning. We had taken the first step."

Just as she changed the family's daily routine to make that one stressful period less miserable, Carter also focused on amplifying the moment that gives her the most joy in parenting. "For me, the most joy always comes at the end of the day when I'm putting the kids to bed" and they're telling me about their three good things [that happened in the day]. That's my most luscious thing, the thing I enjoy the most." To make sure that she didn't miss out on that moment when she had to work in the evenings, "we just moved [that bedtime routine] to after school. They sit on the couch with me and cuddle, and we read a book and they tell me about their three good things."

Carter says that despite her deep knowledge of the science of happiness, she doesn't always do the right thing as a parent. "It's part of the journey, an incremental improvement process. But it's amazing to me how much this stuff works when you have the intention to have a happier morning," she says.

That's my challenge for the week: Make a happy moment with my child part of our routine, and engineer out one annoying bit of parenting. And I challenge you do to the same, too. What will be your happiness moment? What suffering will you avoid?

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

ScreamFree Parenting Tip of the Day: Kids are natural Mimics

Here's your daily Screamfree tip!! The quote below cracks me up! Ok, beware, I'm long winded so when in doubt, I add more detail!! Yep our kiddies mimic our good stuff too when we show'em....since my son is still so young at 3 1/2, per my Love and Logic parenting training, I talk out loud about what positive stuff I'm doing as well as the chores that I may not want to do but do anyways & how good it feels once I've completed. For instance, holding the door open for others such as disabled or older people or healthy young ones just to be sweet, picking up random trash around our street or wherever we are that isn't ours - I try to sing "give a hoot, don't pollute" to make it fun. I try to apologize to my hubby IN front of Christopher so he's gets to witness it's ok to say you're sorry - and I say sorry to Christopher when I lose it or I'm just plain Cranky. As well as compliment daddy or show affection while our son is watching. My son's face lights one when he sees us hug or kiss!! It's priceless. My recent chore / rule that I say out loud is "aww, mommy forgot to put on her seatbelt again but I'm putting in on to stay safe...". As for working hard & not giving up, I've been sharing with him when I get frustrated or want to quit but I know if I keep trying usually I can figure it out. Christopher has a fire truck that has a long hose on it that is so annoying/challenging to roll up on the holder so he can't do it himself. Needless say he always asks me to do it. I swear it takes me 3 or 4 attempts of rolling it...it slipping off, etc. So I tell him that I want to quit...but I know I can do it if I keep trying, maybe roll it looser or tighter...
So these examples are prob too for some of your kids; however, hopefully they're relevant anyways. Pls add to or share comments. And by All means, pass onto to whomever will read / be responsive!

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February 11, 2010 | Here's your daily "pick me up" from ScreamFree Tip of the Day:
"Children are natural mimics; they act like their parents in spite of every effort to teach them good manners."
-Author unknown

Hal's Take: Kids are more absorbent than we’ll ever know, even thought it seems like just the opposite is true. They watch us with eyes and hearts that simply do not forget. The things that we try to teach them are well and good. It is important that we teach them how to write a thank you note or how to be a good friend. What we must realize is that those intentional lessons can only go so far. It is the unintentional lessons that we teach which our children will remember forever.
Think of it this way: How do you want your child’s romantic relationships to look? How strong do you want their work ethic to be? How generous do you want them to be with those less fortunate? Instead of telling them how to do all of these things, focus on the way that you do them right now. That way, when your kids are grown and they find themselves sounding just like their mother or father, they will be proud to do
-Hal Runkel, LMFT, author of ScreamFree Parenting


© The ScreamFree Institute Inc. 2180 Satellite Blvd., Suite 400, Duluth, GA 30097 www.screamfree.com
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Monday, March 1, 2010

Screamfree Parenting Tip of the Day: Letting our kids struggle is a struggle for us

Ok, parents, this is a powerful one that gets straight to the point about us needing to have a life outside of our kids. Of course for those of you w/kiddies still in diapers, tough to have much of a life yet; however, taking a weekly walk/run, reading a book / magazine @ Starbucks once a wk, date nite, Girls' Nite, going to gym or exercise class, joining a book club, etc.....Ask for help! Ask your spouse, family, friends, neighbor, babysitter to watch kids and you get YOUR time!! Even a little bit helps....and allows our kids to struggle a bit just like we did and they'll be better for it. But, Ouch, does it Not feel good to see them struggle, so much easier to rescue them and Handicap them in the process.....think back to how you learned your best life lessons?? As well as gained self-confidence! Just as montessori teaches, we learn by doing it, through experience and somehow figuring it out.....
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Subject: Tip of the Day: Being Bored is Boring

February 25, 2010 | Here's your daily "pick me up" from ScreamFree
Tip of the Day: "Strange new problems are being reported in the growing generations of children whose mothers were always there, driving them around, helping them with their homework – an inability to endure pain or discipline or pursue any self-sustained goal of any sort, a devastating boredom with life."
Betty Friedan, U.S. writer (1921 – 2006)

Hal's Take: We’ve talked before about how doing too much for our children actually reduces their chances of becoming self-directed adults. What if her words can also apply to the mothers of these children? What if they are the ones becoming bored with life because they have spent all of their energy on their children? Sometimes, it is easier to focus on your children because then you don’t have to take a close look at yourself. While your children certainly need your guidance, they don’t need you to need them. Placing your sense of significance on the shoulders of your children is not a loving thing to do at all.
Kids need to struggle; you need to let them. That’s hard to do on many levels. Watching your child struggle is very painful, but it is ultimately very good for both of you. After all, when you let them struggle, you’ll have to find something to do with your own life.
-Hal Runkel, LMFT and author of ScreamFree Parenting



© The ScreamFree Institute Inc.
2180 Satellite Blvd., Suite 400, Duluth, GA 30097
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Connect With Us

L & L Session #1: "Handling Misbehavior Without Breaking a Sweat"

Greetings Group,
I'm VERY excited to facilitate your 1st Love and Logic Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun! class this Tues Feb 16th @ 7pm. Sounds like you have a perfect group ~ small, supportive & familiar.

The title of session one is "Handling Misbehavior Without Breaking a Sweat." We'll learn how to "Go brain dead." Then softly repeat a single Love and Logic one-liner. And choose an empathetic Love and Logic one-liner that fits your personality. I most often use "I know"; "How Sad", or "What a Bummer" (I know it's so 80's!).

It's Amazing how expressing empathy changes brain chemistry. It SOAKS up emotion allowing the recipient (our child, spouse, friend) to get through the
feeling....instead of becoming defensive, seeking revenge or trying to escape. Anger, lectures, warnings, and sarcasm CREATE fight-or-flight. None of us learn too well from the consequences of our actions when we are "drunk on emotion." Empathy PREVENTS
fight-or-flight.

Some more benefits of delivering empathy Before delivering consequences:
* Empathy makes the child's poor decision the "bad guy" while keeping the adult the "good guy.". * As a result, the child has a harder time blaming the adult for the problem.
* This forces him or her to look inside and to learn from the consequence. Your goal is to get your child in the "thinking mode" before doing anything else.

Please think about one technique you want to learn or a problem you would like to solve (end whining, arguing, having to give repeated warnings, how to handle misbehavior in public, etc). We can discuss at the beg of the class, in between and/or after we've watched the videos & reviewed some of the workbook.

The most successful parents:
* Take good care of themselves
* Set and enforce limits
* Hold their kids accountable for their misbehavior
* Do all of these things in a very a Loving way
* Know that kids are ready to start learning responsibility as soon as they are old enough to spit beets across the table

Most importantly, from this course, you'll learn techniques that will:
* Allow you to discipline your kids without losing their love & respect
* Help you raise respectful & responsible kids
* Up the odds that the teenage years will be happy rather than horrific
* Make parenting Fun & Rewarding!

Thank you 4 making this investment in yourself, your kids, and your family!

Andrea