This section proceeds from a position of calming authority to creating and maintaining an environment that facilitates the growth of our children. In other words, it is time to look at our boundaries.
Boundaries are not limits, but rather self-definition.
Principle 4
BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND, BUT LET GO OF THE FINAL RESULTS
What characteristics would you most like your kids to exhibit as adults?
> The ultimate goal of parenting is to launch our kids into adulthood as self-directed, decisive, and responsible people <
"We inevitably doom our children to failure and frustration when we try to set their goals for them."
-- Dr. Jess Lair
Principle 5
KIDS NEED THEIR ROOM
What kids need most are parents who don't need them.
> Giving our children space is about appreciating that they have a life of their own <
3 words to improve your relationship: "Tell me more"
Principle 6
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE; PRACTICE JUDO PARENTING
Power struggles only occur when both parties feel threatened.
> Can't have a strong-willed child unless strong-willed parent <
Our goal is not to stifle our child's emotions, but rather steer them toward productive expression.
* So instead of rescuing or fixing problems for our kids, we let them struggle, let them have their emotions, their moods, etc. Just be an observer and empathize:
"Wow, that stinks" or "I know....that sounds tough" or "That's a bummer"
Then ask: "So what are you going to do about it?"
Principle 7
YOU ARE NOT A PROPHET, AND NEITHER IS GRANDMA
By exercising restraint over our own freedom, we grant our children the freedom to become themselves.
> This section is about the responsibility of our language <
* The labels we place on our kids, even if those labels at first seem positive, stick harder and last longer that we can possibly imagine. Labels tend to define the child, preventing even the capability to conceptualize change.*
What label did you find placed upon you by family or friends?
"Good girl"; "Our smart one"; "The good athlete" ; "Troublemaker"
How did that label affect the way you felt about yourself?
We get into trouble anytime we assume we know our children.
They cannot be known as constantly evolving / changing.
So instead of labeling a child, try describing the behavior. This would communicate what you're seeing in the child, but still FREE the child to Change.
"I see you working really hard on your puzzle."
"I notice you cleaning up after yourself today without my reminding you."
"I noticed this week that you asked ahead of time for project supplies instead of waiting until the night before."
"Sean sometimes whines at bedtime."
Notice above that I purposely avoided using any limiting words such as "always," "never," "all the time," "constantly." Some words like these could be removed from our vocabulary to greatly benefit our relationships. Hmm, so true...just used always and never in a conversation on Saturday and both were confining and not motivating to the recipient:( Glad I am writing these session overviews so I am reminded to utilize these concepts.
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