Monday, January 16, 2012

Positive Discipline : Connection Before Correction

Andrea L Gooldy, M.S. Parent Educator, Parent Coach & Workshop Facilitator Independent Love and Logic Facilitator 'Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun!' Certified Screamfree Parenting Leader AndreaParentCoach@gmail.com 404-932-9393 Check out the latest on my Blog! www.andreaparentcoach.com

From: Positive Discipline <noreply@blogger.com>

Sender: noreply+feedproxy@google.com

Date: Mon, 16 Jan 2012 21:42:04 +0000

To: <Andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>

Subject: Positive Discipline with Dr. Jane Nelsen

Positive Discipline with Dr. Jane Nelsen

Connection Before Correction

Posted: 15 Jan 2012 05:44 PM PST

Extensive research shows that we cannot influence children in a positive way until we create a connection with them. It is a brain (and heart) thing. Sometimes we have to stop dealing with the misbehavior and first heal the relationship.

Connection creates a sense of safety and openness. Punishment, lecturing, nagging, scolding, blaming or shaming create fight, flight, or freeze.

One of my favorite examples of "connection before correction" is, "I love you; and the answer is no." This example also illustrates the Positive Discipline concept of Kind and Firm at the same time.

Before sharing more ways to create a connection with children, I want to point out that it is a mistake to think that giving children whatever they want is effective. Rescuing, fixing, and over-protecting are not good ways to create a connection. Effective connections are made when both child and adult feel belonging and significance. Most of the Positive Discipline parenting tools provide skills for creating a connection.

They will all be discussed in more detail as we choose a card each week. Following is a preview:

Spend special time with children. What could create a greater connection for your child than to know your enjoy spending time with him or her.
Listen. Really listen. Stop doing whatever you are doing and give your child your full attention
Validate your child's feelings. Don't we all feel connected when we feel understood?
Share your feelings and thoughts when appropriate. Remember that children will listen to you AFTER they feel listened to. Children feel a connection when you respectfully share something about yourself. Respectfully, means no stories about walking miles in the snow.
Focus on solutions WITH children after a cooling off period. There is that word "with" again–because it is a golden bridge to connection.
Ask curiosity questions to help children explore the consequences of their choices instead of imposing consequences on them. Sincere questions open the heart and the rational brain—equaling connection.
Hugs. There are times when all of us need nothing more than a hug.

Once the connection is made, children are then open to respectful correction.

It is important to understand that "Correction" in the Positive Discipline way is very different from conventional correction. The biggest difference is that conventional correction usually involves punishment (punitive time-out, grounding, and taking away privileges being the most common). In other words, conventional correction consists of adults doing something TO children. Positive Discipline correction respectfully involves children whenever possible, finding solutions WITH them.

Two great methods for finding solutions are family or class meetings and joint problem solving. These are powerful tools that respectfully involve children to learn and use their personal power in contributing ways. Connection is created as part of the process.

When children feel a connection, they feel belonging and significance. Often that is enough for misbehavior to stop. As you learn about the many Positive Discipline tools, notice that they are all designed to create a connection before respectful correction.

To learn more about Connection Before Correction, listen the following excerpt from my Building Self-Esteem Through Positive Discipline lecture.

Connection Before Correction

This posting includes an audio/video/photo media file: Download Now

Monday, January 2, 2012

Be Happy Now!

Hello Sista ScreamFree'ers,
Chris told me right before Christmas that she needed a "ScreamFree through the holidays" pick me up email. Well, too late for that, so how about starting the new year with more happy moods and a skip in your step?! This is not a parenting article but, in line with ScreamFree Parenting, the focus is on us (not our children) and ways we can boost our moods in order to get more Joy out of our lives. If we're more joyous, certainly our kids will feel it. Happiness is contagious!!

Basically, our ScreamFree parenting course, last winter, provided an opportunity to be a Cheerleader to others in the group, possibly you found a happiness partner or partners, we implemented the moving strategy (when we went on our talking walks at river - let's resume those!) and we also addressed some of our hot-button issues.

Which tip resonates with you the most??
The tongue swishing around looking for a cavity / aka our mind looking for negative things or something wrong to fixate on is my favorite. Gosh, so easy for me skip over all the great things going on and to focus on one thing that isn't quite right! Per this article, it's human nature. After I send this email, I am going to follow strategy #1 by spending 10 mins before bedtime writing down three positive outcomes from the day, along with reasons the endeavors were successful. Any one want to try this exercise with me for the next week? Guess it's similar to a gratitude journal.

Unfortunately the title of each mood-boosting strategy in the attached scanned copy is hard to see so I wrote the titles just below so you write them on your sheet!

1 - Appreciate the small things ~
Goal is to focus on what's going right and savor it.
2 - Find a happiness partner ~ your partner or support network can provide advice and reinforce good behavior.
3 - Know your hot-button issues ~ identify your few deeply held beliefs that lead to overreaction in response to daily incidents.
4 - Drop everything and move ~ take a break to walk or meditate especially around mid afternoon when most of us are at bottom of our energy cycle
5 - Be a cheerleader ~ Share in other's happiness!

"They say it Takes a Village to Raise a Child, but no one ever tells you where it is or how to get there."

From: Tina Huber <tinah@cdicredit.com>

Date: Tue, 27 Dec 2011 10:41:29 -0500

To: andreaparentcoach@gmail.com<andreaparentcoach@gmail.com>

Subject: Be Happy Now

Monday, December 5, 2011

Winter Early Childhood Love and Logic Course at FMSA in Sandy Springs

FMSA Love and Logic morning class winter dates
Time : 9:30-11:30am
Dates: Thursdays Jan 12th & 19th, Feb 2nd, 16th, & 23rd.
Location: First Montessori School of Atlanta Library Conf Room
5750 Long Island Drive, NW Atlanta, GA 30327
Cost : $90 including workbook

Session 1: Thurs Jan 12th "Handling Misbehavior Without Breaking A Sweat."
The Power of Empathy

Session 2: Thurs Jan 19th "Teaching Kids to Listen....The FIRST Time."
The Uh-Oh Song

Session 3: Thurs Feb 2nd "Avoiding Power Struggles."
Effective Choices

Session 4: Thurs Feb 16th "Limits Create Happier Parents, Happier Kids, And Happier Families."
Enforceable Statements

Session 5: Thurs Feb 23rd
"What To Do When Your Kids Leave You Speechless."
The Energy Drain

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Love & Logic Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun! Course Beg this Weds!

FMSA Love and Logic morning class dates
Time : 9:30-11:30am
Dates: Weds Oct 26th, Nov 2nd, Nov 9th, Nov 16th, and Nov 30th.
Location: First Montessori School of Atlanta Library Conf Room
5750 Long Island Drive, NW Atlanta, GA 30327
Cost : $90 including workbook

Session 1: Weds Oct 26th "Handling Misbehavior Without Breaking A Sweat."

Session 2: Weds Nov 2nd "Teaching Kids to Listen....The FIRST Time."

Session 3: Weds Nov 9th
"Avoiding Power Struggles."

Session 4: Weds Nov 16th
"Limits Create Happier Parents, Happier Kids, And Happier Families."

Session 5: Weds Nov 30th
"What To Do When Your Kids Leave You Speechless."

It's back to school and back to the RUSH ~ rushing to get ready for school, getting meals made, then before you know it, it's already time to get ready for bed! Yikes! Talk about Groundhog's Day everyday....How are we supposed to enjoy parenting with all these daily hassles? To find out, come join me for the Love and Logic Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun! Course, at my son's school, First Montessori School of Atlanta (FMSA). FMSA is located in the heart of Sandy Springs, off of Mt Vernon Rd on Long Island Drive.

The class begins this Weds Oct 26th at 930am. I am delighted to be facilitating this powerful parenting course again. It allows me the opportunity to educate, empower and connect parents, especially moms, to be the best parents we can be! In order to be successful in our complicated, rapidly changing world, we have to create our own Parent Villages to gather resources, gain support and learn effective techniques that are often very different from what worked for our parents. Knowledge is power!
Cheers ~
Andrea

Andrea L Gooldy, M.S. Parent Educator, Parent Coach & Workshop Facilitator Independent Love and Logic Facilitator 'Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun!' Certified Screamfree Parenting Leader AndreaParentCoach@gmail.com 404-932-9393 Check out the latest on my Blog! www.andreaparentcoach.com

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Be Funny! Tell a Joke to your child today:D

And encourage your child to tell you one thus building his or her sense of humor. Even if we laugh one more time per day or just laugh once, it's a start. Guessing for most of us parents, giggling is for kids, not us! Have we forgotten how to laugh? I sometimes think I have! I am amazed by how cracking a joke, especially at ourselves, lightens the mood, allows us "adults" to take ourselves less seriously, decreases stress and distracts from the day's challenges. Chris and I have such FUN laughing at Christopher's own laughter at his made up silly knock-knock jokes, which he often just copies from the ones we read from: "Super Incredible! Knock-Knock Jokes for Kids" by Bob Phillips. I bought this book at FMSA's book fair last year. Best purchase! I highly recommend buying a children's joke book. We often read at the dinner table to make more enjoyable for everyone!

As I've told big Chris for years, if just one person laughs at a joke or witty comment, even if it's the one who said it like myself, then gosh darn it, it's funny! That's my story and I'm sticking to it. So let me know who has told a joke today, or has been goofy and spread some laughter.....watch out, it's contagious:D In addition to telling knock-knock jokes, try Wii Dance for Kids for instant goofiness.

Another way to find humor in our lives is to keep track of the funny things we do in our daily routine and share with our kiddies. Yes, we'll have to let them in on that secret that we're not perfect and we make mistakes too. A couple of weeks ago Christopher asked if adults made mistakes like kids do. So since then I have been trying to share ones I made at his age such as ending up in the boys bathroom instead of the girls in 1st grade, on my first day at the school, because I was following the boy in front of me! And last week when I put my hair smoothing product on my face instead of my hair, thinking it was my moisturizer. Not really that funny but I did pause and smile thinking silly mommy, always multitasking.

As usual, added more than just info on the knock-knock jokes! Yes, miss detailed over here. I'll leave you with one of my favorite knock-knock jokes from the above book:
"Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Muffin
Muffin who?
Muffin ventured, nothing gained!"

Yes cheesy but hopefully got a chuckle from you!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

ScreamFree Parenting: Beating the Bulge without Creating a Battle

Beating the Bulge without Creating a Battle
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
By: Jenny Runkel - www.screamfree.com

Beating Food Battles and Creating Healthy Kids

Michelle Obama's "Let's Go" campaign is tackling one of America's biggest problems - no pun intended. America's kids are less active and more rotund than ever, and it's threatening the very lives of humanity's future. With skyrocketing child obesity rates, this "battle" is nothing to be taken lightly. And, it definitely seems like the food producers are on the kids' side. Whether it's the junk food that lines the aisles of Kroger, fills the Nickelodeon commercials, or populates the McDonald's kids' menus, parents and healthy nutrition seem to have the odds stacked against them.

So, with all of that noted, it's easy for us as parents to gear up for battle, right? If it's a true, never-ending battle you seek, then go right ahead. Prepare for war. But if it's a great relationship with your kids you really want, a relationship filled with mutual respect in which both parents and children naturally choose, on their own, to take an interest in their own nutrition, then prepare for a different path altogether.

I, of course, call it the ScreamFree Path. The first step is learning to calm our parental anxiety and recognize a few certain truths about this issue. They are:

Food battles are more about parent/child dynamics than they are about nutrition. Parents allowing the whimsical tests from their kids to dictate their own demeanor and behavior are falling prey not to their kids' immaturity, but to their own. Calm down and accept your position as the grownup here. If you don't first accept it, then your kids never will.

No child under 10 has ever voluntarily starved him/herself to death instead of eating vegetables. Yes, eating disorders are serious diseases among teenagers and their families. They are a highly developed condition centering on enormous battles of will between children and their parents and their body image. But that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about young children beginning to eat healthy food choices. And while it may be tough for you to allow your kid to go hungry, relax; he won't do it for long. The question is whether his hunger will speak louder to him than your anxiety. If it does, then he'll eat. If not, then you'll need to deal with the next truth…

Parents anxiously needing their kids to eat the dinner they "slaved over" will always be wondering why their kids don't respect them. Wanting our kids to respect us and others comes naturally. But, needing them to respect us, appreciate us, and validate all of our efforts is a recipe for disaster. You know what people respect? Self-validation. We respect, and long to follow and learn from, leaders who exude a calm confidence and invite others to join them along a path of new discovery. Leaders who still follow that path even if we refuse that invitation. Our kids are begging us to lead them like that in all areas of life, including the arena of food.

Parents can never expect their kids to eat a healthier diet than they do. Some of you may want to stop reading right here. But just like with our money habits, our eating habits are far more influential than our words of instruction. Kids can spot double-standards from a mile away, and they certainly won't follow someone they can't trust. If we want our kids to exercise self-regulation and healthy exploration in their eating, then we first must do so ourselves. Try and go a week focusing more on your own habits than your kids'. Only then will you be humbled enough to exercise this next truth…

Parents must learn to both restrict and respect their kids' choices. The principle here is to calmly acknowledge that our kids have choices in life, and it is our job to help them become good decision-makers. That is not the same thing as making them eat their veggies. It is a matter of listening to and observing their preferences, offering them a balance of things they already like and things they haven't tried, while highlighting the consequences of their choices.

None of these truths offer a magic prescription, but that's because there is no such thing. I know that is really frustrating for parents who are mired in the battle of the bulge, but remember, you are hoping to create self-directed adults who choose, on their own, to be healthy. By committing yourself to a ScreamFree Path, you will begin to see that the food battle itself is the real villain, and the relationship we have with our kids is the victim when we engage. So, choose your path carefully, because a strong, vital relationship will go a long way towards creating the healthy patterns you desire.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Positive Discipline ~ The Power of Hugs

Hi L & L Class,
Believe Paula has the Positive Discipline tool cards on her iphone. Paula, have you been using them at all? Thought I would pass along the below as I find giving Christopher a hug, even when he's being not very sweet, or my asking for a hug, has been very effective in calming both of us and/or diffusing a power struggle. As well as preventing several meltdowns.

Paula, hugging might be an option for Jack during his recent "out of sorts" / transition times. Kristen, I thought immediately of your using the hug tool with Ansley, even when you feel she might be bullying / bothering her baby brother as described . And teaching Ansley to say something similar to "I need attention" when she's close to a tantrum, is overwhelmed, etc.
Please let me know if anyone of you give a hug or ask for a hug during a challenging situation! Andrea

Another Hug Story
by Jane Nelsen (including podcast with Beth Whitehead)

Some of you may know that a "Hug" is one of my favorite Positive Discipline Tools. During this podcast you will understand why as I interview Beth Whitehead after she sent me the following success story.

Dear Jane,

As you may remember, I had a situation with my older daughter (3 yrs old) taking toys away from our littler one (1 1/2 years). My new behavior was to try hugging the older one when she was being a bully. SO, something came up today that I really wanted to share:

I was past my patience level and almost yelling at Eden (3) to go sit on the couch, rather than staying underfoot as I was loading the dryer and hassling her little sister for some reason or another. She was also crying and possibly about to tantrum. I stopped and just hugged her, as we discussed. It was PERFECT! She stopped crying & whining. And then SHE suggested we hug the little one. I didn't have to do anything else.

Another quick story: Eden was in full tantrum on a different occasion and I thought back to our exercise of asking for a hug. That worked, too! It totally diffused the situation and she calmed down.

Also, I taught my daughter to say, "I need attention" when she just needs a hug or for me to stop doing whatever I am doing. It works so well and is so much better than my getting annoyed and not noticing that she needs me to stop and pay her more attention.

I feel like I am finally on my way to really helping my babies feel understood. Thank you for all you do Jane!!

Very Sincerely,

Beth