In my last newsletter I promised some examples of detachment. Here are several, for your reading pleasure. Keep in mind that there are a variety of ways each scenario could play out, and that I have only offered a few. I hope that what I describe below gives you a sense of each category - attached, nonattached, detached - so that you can find yourself in them and so that you can more easily find your way to becoming detached.
For definitions of attached, nonattached, detached, see: Serenity, Part 2
Example #1: Your child wants a Snickers bar for dinner, even though you both know that's not good for him. He goes to the candy jar, pulls one out, and starts eating it.
Attached:
- You explain that he can't have the candy. It's time for dinner. He screams, "You are such a mean mom (or dad)!" You let him eat the candy to appease his tantrum.
- You say, "There, there, Johnny. You've had a bad day. I'll let you have the candy just this once (even though "just this once" has happened a number of times before).
Feelings: guilt, fear (of losing the child's affection, or upsetting him), lazy or weak (not strong enough to set the boundaries the child needs in the moment) Note: These exchanges can be called "bribery for approval."
Nonattached:
- You yank the candy from his hand and fuss, "you can't have that now!"
- You ignore him, let him eat it, and have no interaction with him
Feelings: cold, hard, make-wrong ("you're bad"), strong desire for the child to be different (or be gone).
Detached: You say, "I know you want a candy bar right now, but that's not a healthy thing to eat for dinner. Let's save that as a snack for tomorrow." Feelings: The truly detached parent will have no feelings about doing the right thing, even if the child fusses. Except... maybe... love.
Example #2: Traffic is at a stand-still, and you're in a hurry to (meet someone, get to work, make the show).
Attached: ranting, raving, honking, tailgating, and the like. Feelings: upset, frustrated, irritated, self-pity.
Nonattached: "Screw it. This always happens to me. They'll just have to wait. I can't help it." Feelings: numb, resigned, blaming, angry.
Detached: You call the person you're about to meet (even if it's the boss) to let them know you're in a traffic jam. Feelings: acceptance, patience (even if you don't get there on time).
Example #3: You sister criticizes you for something you (said, did or did not do, thought, wore, whatever).
Attached:
- Changing to meet her expectation
- Defending to argue your position
Feelings: Shame, guilt, resistance, fear/anxiety, confused, defensive, victimized.
Nonattached: acting, saying, or otherwise conveying, "FU." Feelings: defiance, disgust, closed-off, uncaring.
Detached: "Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your opinion. I will take it under consideration." Feelings: curiosity ("I wonder why she's saying that and I wonder if there's anything that is true about it."), caring ("I love my sister and I value her opinion, but it's ok if mine is different."), unmoved (by her difference of opinion and delivery thereof).
Example #4: You made a big mistake at work
Attached: You go into panic mode, over-doing and over-apologizing (I call this "apologizing for being alive."). You may also go into severe self-flagellation. You might look for others to blame, point fingers at, so that you're not in it alone. Feelings: shame, fear (of losing job, of other people's disapproval), remorse.
Nonattached: "I don't care (how this impacts others). I'm human. " Feelings: defensive, protected, withdrawn.
Detached: You take appropriate measures to clean up the mess. You ask for and welcome support. You move on in stride. Feeling: self-acceptance, strength, commitment, duty.
The bottom line is that the attached person cares too much, giving their power over to the other person or situation and often feeling victimized by them. The nonattached person does not care at all, and therefore hoards their power. This hoarding keeps their power stuck, and so is another form of powerlessness and victimization. The detached person is balanced and centered. He/She will express their power, giving it to themselves, others, and the situation as is required and appropriate.
The holidays are a great opportunity to practice detachment. My hope is that you will use this information to strengthen your ability to stay calm, peaceful, powerful, and loving, no matter what.
I know of a wonderful poem that describes detachment perfectly. It is called If, by Rudyard Kipling. It is my holiday gift to you. Enjoy!
Click here for poem: If_Kipling
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